I wish someone had asked me three years ago if I was ready to get into a relationship. After a breakup with an abusive partner, the last thing I needed was to jump into another relationship a mere month after.
But I used to operate under the notion that love was something to be pursued constantly. And that if I didn’t take every chance I had at finding someone great, I’d miss out.
Sadly, all I did was prolong the inevitable work I needed to do on myself. A relationship couldn’t fix the unhappiness I felt inside me, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to change my unhealthy dating patterns while repeating them.
If you’re questioning whether or not you’re ready to get into another relationship, you’re in the right place. Being open to even consider the idea that you’re not ready takes self-accountability.
To help you decide if you’re ready to get into a new relationship, ask yourself the following questions:
Do you know what your boundaries are?
Boundaries the limits you place in your relationship for how you expected to be treated and what you will and won’t put up with. They’re key for a healthy relationship, but a lot of people have trouble making them.
So, my question for you is, do you know what your boundaries are? Do you feel confident speaking up about them?
If your answer is no:
Take some time to understand what boundaries you need to feel safe in a relationship. Do you need to have X amount of along time during the week? Or did you always feel disrespected in the past and want to make sure that doesn’t happen again?
Reflecting on what you didn’t like from your past relationships can help you understand what you’re willing to put up with moving forward, too.
For me, I stayed with a lot of people who didn’t respect me or make me feel safe. I should’ve created a boundary then and there that I wouldn’t put up with behaviors like my partner making fun of me at my expense, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt continuously violated, and like my needs didn’t matter.
If your answer is yes:
Beautiful! You’re on your way to having relationships that feel fulfilling and like you’re being respected.
Do you know what your dating patterns are that make you unhappy?
If I had to sum up the past ten years of my dating life in one sentence, it would be the following: The men I chose to be with were simply the same person with a different face. What does that mean? Let me explain.
I chose cocky, rude, emotionally distant men to date because it felt familiar to me. It wasn’t until I stopped to consider if this pattern needed to change that I realized I wanted a partner who was the opposite of people I dated in the past.
But the only way I could do that was by noticing and changing my dating patterns. Have you done the same?
If your answer is no:
Sit down with yourself and make a list of all the things you didn’t like in your past relationships. Notice where there are similarities or overlapping themes.
Doing this can help you uncover what hasn’t been working for you in your love life.
If your answer is yes:
If you have a plan on how to change them and to check-in with yourself throughout your relationships, great! You’re one step closer to a happier love life.
Do you still think about getting back together with your ex?
It’s normal to think about your exes from time to time. Even I reminisce on happy memories or have a dream about a past boyfriend now and then.
But are those thoughts an indicator of something else? Do you miss your ex to the point that if they called you up begging to get back together, you’d drop everything that’s going on in your love life for them?
If your answer is yes:
You’re probably not over your ex. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is not the issue here. What you want to consider is what’s unresolved that still needs to be figured out?
If you regret a decision you made and miss your ex, maybe you need to have a conversation with them. If they broke your heart and you never received closure, maybe it’s time to create that closure for yourself.
Hopping into a new relationship when your heart is elsewhere won’t end well for you or the person you date.
If your answer is no:
Then it sounds like you’ve moved on. In which case, you’ll be able to invest your energy into a new relationship instead of getting hung up on the past.
Do you think you need a relationship to feel complete?
Does your life feel like it’s missing something? Maybe happiness, purpose, or meaning? Do you feel like a relationship will solve all this emptiness you feel?
Then I have a hard truth for you:
Another person will never “complete” you, whether that be a child, friend, or romantic partner. It’s a cute idea, but one that needs to stay in the Disney movies they came from. You’re whole on your own. But I know not everyone believes this about themselves.
If your answer is yes:
Can you pinpoint what parts of your life don’t already feel whole to you? If so, it’s time to start making changes and investing energy into those parts of your life instead of or in addition to dating.
If your answer is no:
You won’t fall into the notion that your partner is your everything. You’ll most likely still invest time into your life outside of your relationship.
Which is a great sign you’re ready for a relationship.
Does the thought of being with one person make you claustrophobic?
When you think about all the options out there in the world, does it feel like choosing to be with one person is silly? Or does commitment really freak you out?
If your answer is yes:
Maybe a relationship isn’t for you. Or, at least, it’s not what you want right now. Not everyone needs to want a committed relationship. And at the same time, not everyone who eventually will is ready for one now.
If you think you want love eventually but committing feels scary, ask yourself if it’s the idea of a relationship or if you’re scared to get close to someone. Not everyone can naturally be vulnerable in a relationship. If you’re not one of those people, it’ll feel scary.
If your answer is no:
Then that’s beautiful. Make sure to state what you want out of dating from the beginning. Find someone who wants the same end goal as you.
Can you communicate, compromise, and be vulnerable with another person?
When people come to me with their relationship problems, the issues seem obvious: it’s usually a problem with their communication, expectations, or emotional connection.
But all of the above requires self-awareness, a bit of maturity, and patience. Do you believe you have these?
If your answer is no:
That’s perfectly OK. People learn these kinds of interpersonal skills overtime. I’m not saying you can’t learn them when you’re in a relationship, but it’ll be a bit harder once another person is involved.
Either way, it’ll help you to get more in touch with your feelings. Whether that be writing your thoughts out in a journal or practicing talking about how you feel to the people closest to you.
If your answer is yes:
You’re on your way to forming a strong relationship. If you can let these qualities guide you in the decisions you make with your partner; you’re most likely ready for a relationship.
I didn’t feel emotionally ready for a relationship until I took a year off from dating for myself. When I was able to create boundaries with people and felt like dating was simply an addition to my life, not half of it, I knew I was ready.
It’s not easy to admit that you’re not ready for a relationship, especially when we live in a society that constantly encourages us to date. But taking a break from dating could be exactly what you need to find a happy relationship down the road.
Because when a great person does come into your life, you’ll be happy you did the work to be ready for them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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