It’s Complicated
Suppose you are feeling aroused and interested in having sex with your partner. Do you have some preconceived (perhaps stereotypical) idea about how he/she might respond? How will this affect how you approach her/him; are you likely to be tentative or demanding? Before approaching your partner, think through your interest. Is it mostly about sexual pleasure? Is it about making a connection with your spouse? Is it both? Is it because something is not going well for you and you want comfort through connection? Are you bored? Are you anxious?
If you think through what exactly your request for sex is about, you will make your request in a straightforward way. You will also be able to discuss options for having a sexual encounter that works both for you and your spouse.
If you are the partner responding to the request for sex, pay attention to your automatic response. While your partner is “ready” you are not…setting the stage to respond “not interested”. Think about how you might be interested in sex…could you become aroused?
Know Thyself
How you generally approach important interactions with your spouse? What are your usual defensive or self-protective strategies. (Strategies we use when we feel insecure). For example, do you tend to be controlling? Ingratiating? Compliant? Demanding? Your preferred protective strategy can affect the way you approach or respond in your interactions about sex.
With a lot of effort and practice, your interpersonal interactions with your partner around sexual issues can become quite straightforward. You will automatically:
- Think through what you want and approach your spouse about sex in a straightforward manner
- Be equally thoughtful in responding to your spouse’s approaches
- Be open to negotiating an outcome that is satisfying to both of you
How To Negotiate Sex
Lucas and Sara had not been married long before Lucas became concerned that Sara was not interested in sex with him. She tended to avoid his kisses, touches, snuggles, etc. Lucas suggested to Sara that they talk about how he approaches her sexually. Here are the steps to take to have a meaningful discussion about sexual issues.
First Step: Approaching Your Partner
Give your partner a heads-up about what you want to talk about. It is important to give him/her time to think about the issue. You, of course, have thought about it, probably a lot. Lucas let Sara know that he wanted talk about how he approached her romantically. They set a time for their talk, giving Sara some time to think through her thoughts.
Second Step: Expressing What You Want
Lucas and Sara had not talked about what they wanted from each other romantically. Nor were they talking to each other about their concerns. When you and your partner have different perspectives about what is happening in your sex life, your first objective should be to discover the concerns and interests you each have. In an open discussion:
- Each of you wants to be able to express how you see things.
- Each of you should be able to clearly explain why what you want is important to you.
- Each of you should give the other the opportunity to express his/her preference, without interruption.
- Each of you must watch for hidden personal agendas you may have. If you are feeling anxious or angry, either talk about it or step back and reflect.
Lucas talked about his concern that Sara was not interested in him sexually and didn’t like closeness with him. Sara told Lucas that she often avoided his flirtations because she thought they would always lead to sexual intercourse but assured him that she was sexually interested in him and did want physical closeness.
Third Step: Make a Plan That Works for Both of You
The best outcome is a plan that is responsive to the concerns expressed by both of you. Here is what Lucas and Sara decided on: Going forward, Lucas would be clear and direct about when he wished to have sexual intercourse with Sara. They agreed Lucas would signal his intention as he began his approach by saying something like, “Would you like to meet in the bedroom tonight?” This way he let Sara know his intention in an inviting and playful manner. Sara would then consider her own interest and/or her openness to being available for sexual intercourse. Sara, in turn, could be openly responsive to Lucas’s playful romantic teasing and touching without hesitation because she would know what to expect.
Be Proactive In Negotiating Your Sexual Relationship
Be proactive about creating a satisfying sexual relationship. Having ongoing discussions about sexual issues requires considerable self-reflection. This is the way to ensure that you’re creating the sexually satisfying relationship you both want. Here are some ideas of things to talk about
- How you learned about sex
- In what way sex is important to you
- Whether either of you has had a traumatic sexual experience
- What fears you have about your body
- The sexual acts you enjoy
- How often you would like to have a particular type of sexual activity
- How sexual acts will be performed
- Whether either or both of you watch pornography
- What you think about masturbation
- Anything else you can think of that is likely to have an impact on your sexual relations specifically, and on the overall quality of your marriage
“I ‘Need’ vs. I ‘Want’
The currently popular idea that “needs-that-must-be-fulfilled” is how to have a satisfying relationship promotes a self-centered approach. And the idea that our various sexual interests can all be viewed as needs is popular. (Vetting Your Wants and Desires) Of course, we all desire sex, and engaging in sexual activities of various kinds certainly is fundamental to being human. But how we carry out our sexual desires is through our sexual preferences (what, when, where, how, how frequently). “I want to have sex with you” is quite different than saying “I need to have sex with you”. And, it is not just semantics.
In marriage, we have preferences for the way in which we fulfill our sexual desires—and we must negotiate those preferences. Couples have relied on the idea that sexual preferences are sexual needs because it allows them to essentially “demand” their desires be fulfilled regardless of the impact on their partner. Such a view of sexual preferences also avoids the risk involved in working with their partner to achieve a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
The wish to have specific sexual acts performed can create difficulties. My suggestion is that you invite your partner to explore what the act involves and to think about what aspects of the act might not be acceptable, and for what reason. Then the two of you would have a conversation about how the act would be performed by the two of you. You may end up creating some sexual act the incorporates some but no all of what you like.
Your wants and preferences can be negotiated as described in this post. ‘Needs’ cannot be negotiated because they are ‘demands’. Your sexual preferences are important, of course. At the same time, they cannot be demands that must be catered to.
Takeaways
- Challenge your preconceived notions about, possibly stereotypic, ideas you have about how your partner views sex.
- Pay attention to how your defenses play out in your sexual want and your sexual responses.
- It's sexual preferences not sexual ‘needs’.
- Sexual desire is expressed through sexual preferences; don’t elevate a preference to a ‘need’
- Negotiate sex like you negotiate other issues in your marriage
"relationship" - Google News
December 21, 2020 at 06:14AM
https://ift.tt/3phqZax
How to Negotiate Sex in Your Relationship - Psychology Today
"relationship" - Google News
https://ift.tt/2QDgTSV
https://ift.tt/3dklxNV
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "How to Negotiate Sex in Your Relationship - Psychology Today"
Post a Comment