A freshman worries about finding love in a pandemic.
Submit your questions for Meredith here.
Q. As a college freshman who’s staying home and taking online classes, I feared I’d have to wait till sophomore year to have my first relationship. I’ve joined a club at my university, though, and over the last few weeks I’ve formed (what I consider) a bond with another student who’s also at home this semester and whose worldview seems quite similar to mine. He also has a terrific sense of humor.
I’d love to tell him how I feel, but I’m hesitant. He’s never seen me (the group doesn’t do camera-on events), and I’m not particularly attractive. Additionally, our “bond” might just be in my head; I’ve never interacted with him outside the club’s virtual chats of about 20 students.
Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I wait until sophomore year and hope I can get to know him face-to-face? I’m anxious to have my first romance, but I’m terrified of botching it.
– Long-distance admirer
A. You might not feel “particularly attractive,” but almost everyone is attractive to someone. Your self-esteem is the big issue here. You are interested in the world, engaged, and you like a good sense of humor. Please think about all of the reasons someone would want to date you.
Remember, this man may have already Googled you. It’s 2020, after all. Make no assumptions about what he knows.
My advice is to ask if he wants to have a call to talk about an event. To socialize. If that’s too scary, you can ask him and two or three people. It’s the COVID-19 version of asking acquaintances to grab a bite after class. Design the event so that cameras are on. Remember that you might decide you’re less into him when you interact this way. This is a fact-finding mission, really.
Remote socialization is allowing some people to have new experiences with the help of Zoom-fueled training wheels. In person, it might be scary to suggest an outing. Now, the stakes are lower. You’re not going to botch a simple request for FaceTime or whatever platform you use. If he says no, you’ve lost nothing — and you don’t even have to look at him.
Don’t jump to any confessions of romantic feelings just yet. First, see how you feel when you get to know more of him.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
I agree with Meredith — try a FaceTime or Zoom with camera conversation away from the larger group. At least you’ll both see each other and see how that conversation goes. FREEADVICEFORYOU
This is a good example of how many letter writers often pose two options as if they are the only choices. There’s a middle ground between telling someone you’ve never seen your “feelings” and the other extreme of waiting until you’re a sophomore. BKLYNMOM
Distance and electronic communications create “relationships” that aren’t real. You have a crush on someone you have never seen. Be careful that you aren’t inflating this situation because of being isolated. You can reach out to him, but start out expecting friendship. You should be more focused on improving yourself, working on your self-esteem, and engaging in activities that make you look and feel happier. You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. OLDENDRIA
Catch Season 4 of Meredith Goldstein’s Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show, or wherever you listen.
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Distant longing: Could my first college relationship be totally virtual? - The Boston Globe
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