Pandemic Dating Diaries
My 2020 New Year’s Eve date turned into a pandemic boyfriend. And I’m not so sure it was the right call.
The Pandemic Dating Diaries is a series from The Bold Italic featuring moments in love, dating, and sex during the Covid-19 pandemic. Have a story you’d like to submit? Email us or DM us on Twitter or Instagram.
By Anonymous
I kissed Mark at midnight on New Year’s Eve, when 2019 turned to 2020, and none of us knew what we were in for.
I had met this a tall, muscular man — who was also somewhat quirky—through mutual friends the day before. Mark lived in Connecticut and was visiting my friends who lived in Redwood City. (I lived north in San Francisco.) I was drawn to his eloquence when he spoke, and I loved his dark hair. We hit it off immediately, bonding over music and discussing the choral pieces we’d both sung and loved.
By the end of the night, we were making each other laugh — and ultimately kissed during the moment when you’re supposed to kiss someone on New Year’s Eve. Bizarre to think that no two strangers will be kissing this year when the clock turns to 2021. At least they shouldn’t be.
We spent the first few days of 2020 together: going to brunch with our mutual friends, hanging out in Dolores Park, seeing the redwoods in Big Basin, and going to San Gregorio State Beach. I caught a cold, and he even stayed with me and took care of me. Quickly, we realized that this was something special we wanted to pursue, though he had to go back to the East Coast.
That’s when we entered a long-distance relationship that we still have today. We were both unemployed for the first few months of the year, so we had a lot of time every day to sit on FaceTime and get to know each other better, despite the distance and time difference. We had no idea how much videochatting would soon be in our lives.
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I visited Mark in Connecticut in February, and he came out to visit me in San Francisco in mid-March for a couple weeks as talk intensified around a new virus called Covid-19. During his visit, the shelter-in-place order started in San Francisco.
We had a wonderful week exploring more of the Bay Area together: walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, spending the day at Point Reyes, hiking through Muir Woods, and walking through Golden Gate Park to arrive at Ocean Beach. I had been to all these places before, but he hadn’t, and I wanted to experience them all with him for the first time. When the stay-at-home order happened, we had the chance to get intimate and vulnerable about our relationship and what the future might hold. When he left, we didn’t know when we’d see each other next.
Toward the end of March, I decided to go home to my parents’ house outside Philadelphia to ride out the pandemic, thinking it would last two or three months at the most. I was excited to be closer to Mark, too.
At the beginning of April, we both found jobs and began the cycle we’re still in now, eight months later: living with our parents, working jobs we can’t stand, and driving three hours to see each other once or twice month. Our lives are filled with less privacy, space, and stability. We also both struggle with depression and anxiety, which certainly doesn’t help us with finding joy easily during the pandemic.
The distance affects our relationship more and more the longer it goes on. I’m starting to question the entire relationship itself now. Our FaceTime sessions don’t always go well, and we’re both miserable in our own lives, which has a negative impact on our conversations. When we’re in person, it’s great, but when we’re apart, it’s not.
Because of how bad things have gotten, we’re actually scheduled for a couple’s therapy session in a few days. I realize that the majority of our relationship has been during a pandemic; that first year, which is supposed to be lighthearted and free, has instead been bogged down by stress and instability.
I think about the life I gave up in San Francisco, never expecting to not return. I miss going to Club Deluxe, hanging out at Dolores Park, aerial classes at the Circus Center, yoga, spontaneous road trips to Tahoe, and even riding Muni, BART, and Caltrain. I was also involved in the kink scene, with weekly happy hours at the Armory Club, frequent trips to the now-closed-down Citadel space, classes in loft apartments made into makeshift rope studios, and dating multiple people who were single, poly, or in open relationships. Those weren’t the types of relationships I really wanted, deep down, but I miss that freedom and the space for exploration. It is so vastly different from the world I’m in now.
Being in a relationship during the pandemic and everything that has gone along with it has been a huge life transition in so many ways, and now I’m questioning if they were the right choices to make.
Our fundamental differences have become more clear during the pandemic, whereas without it, they may have taken longer to reveal themselves. Mark deals with his anxiety and depression by keeping himself busy, whereas I deal with my anxiety and depression by staying in bed and sitting in my negative emotions. It makes it hard for us to fully understand each other since we have different ways of processing and coping techniques. An even bigger issue: He absolutely wants kids, and I’m still not sure if I do.
A part of me wonders if I don’t want to leave the relationship because I’m afraid of being alone during these unstable times — a time when it’s incredibly hard to meet people. I am left wondering if this is really the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, or if there’s someone out there who’s even better for me.
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