A therapist’s advice on how to strengthen a relationship
Worrying about relationships is a common topic of conversation with my therapy clients at the end of any year, as people take stock of what’s working in their lives and what isn’t — but this year, those conversations feel especially urgent. Friend networks are crumbling without the cement of regular gatherings and adventures. Long Zoom calls with family have turned into terse check-ins about the weather and Covid stats. Spouses, now stuck inside together for months on end, are finding they retreat to opposite ends of the house at the end of a stressful day.
But how do you even begin to tackle that goal when you’re still stuck at home with all the same pandemic stressors? When the thought of having a phone conversation or sending a long email feels exhausting?
Often, we fail at reconnecting with important friends and family because our goals are too ambitious. People focus on getting the entire family on a video call or getting a large friend group together for an outing. When you spend all your energy herding people, you might find that you have little energy left to connect authentically. You also might find that group conversations are largely superficial and unsatisfying.
This is why I encourage my therapy clients to think small: What are a few weaker one-on-one relationships with family or friends that you’d like to strengthen?
Signs of a weak one-on-one relationship include:
- Requiring gossip to carry a conversation
- Struggling to talk honestly about your challenges, and beliefs
- Worrying about being boring or annoying each other
People in a strong, one-to-one relationship, on the other hand:
- Don’t need to rely on superficial chatter to carry a conversation
- Don’t need a third person to lighten the tension
- Share their passions, struggles, and opinions openly
Maybe most importantly, people in solid relationships don’t feel responsible for entertaining each other. The quickest way to strengthen a relationship, then, is to stop putting pressure on yourself to be an interesting human. When both people feel like they might be boring the other person, conversations tend to become shorter and more superficial. Your simple job is to show up and be honest about your life — to connect, not amuse.
So consider starting 2021 with this resolution: You’ll be honest about what excites you with the people you love. You’ll share your goals and your challenges, and then make space for others to do the same. This is how relationships stay open, honest, and equal, and how they weather another unpredictable year.
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December 29, 2020 at 01:46PM
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