How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Our relationship has always been open. This is something we started together and had not done in prior relationships. About five years ago, we merged BDSM into our dynamic. A little over a year ago, he actively sought out a boyfriend for me.
After a year of being in a relationship with this man, my husband gave me an ultimatum. I, of course, chose him. I am saddened beyond expectations. My now ex is devastated. Where do I go from here? Is there life after polyamory? Can I just move on without feeling resentment toward my husband? I do not want my marriage to be in jeopardy but I also do not want to feel like he is the “boss” of what I do and feel. And, yes, I have expressed to him many times that he should find someone also. I cannot be everything to him as he cannot be everything to me. I know this is not a typical issue but it is ours. And I am floundering.
—Wanting the Cake and To Eat It Too
Dear Wanting the Cake,
Let’s separate what you do from how you feel. Your husband does not have the ability to dictate your feelings. Meanwhile, your feelings don’t necessarily need to dictate what you do. How much control you want to allow your husband over your actions, though, is a different story.
You sum it up in your sign-off—you want to have your cake and eat it too. Your husband seems to need to feel valued above all others, and needs you not to be dating your now ex-boyfriend. You chose your husband. It might help to think through all of the reasons why you chose him when it came to his ultimatum. What does he add to your life? What do you get out of being in this marriage? What do you appreciate and love about him? You don’t say much about how BDSM is incorporated into your relationship, so I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to address that.
Think about how comfortable you are with the compromise you’ve already made. Consider what exactly you’re talking about when you say you and your husband cannot be everything to each other. What’s missing? Is it possible to get those needs and desires met in platonic relationships?
If you can’t be happy and fulfilled within your marriage, consider pushing back against your husband’s ultimatum. Have a conversation where you spell out what the gaps are, and tell him how you’re feeling. It’s possible he can shift his position to accommodate your needs, and 20 years of marriage deserves a chance to work things out. But if you’re not satisfied, it might be time to move on.
—Stoya
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I’m am a 35-year-old woman with a 35-year-old man. We have been dating for half a year now, he is absolutely perfect, and I’ve never loved a person as much as I love him. I don’t want to say our sex is a problem—it’s really not. It’s extremely satisfying and I’ve never orgasmed better in my life. The thing is what turns him on is talk of love, monogamy, growing old together.
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October 25, 2023 at 01:00AM
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Sex advice: My husband gave me an ultimatum. I'm doubting my choice. - Slate
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