A Dear Reader writes:
Help! For the past 16 years, I thought I was in a wonderful, loving marriage. But recently, my partner, who’s in his 50s, confessed that he hasn’t felt connected with me for the past decade, and he became convinced he should try to “build a life” with an irresponsible, unstable, yet gorgeous young employee, who’s exactly half his age—and a lesbian—with whom he proclaims to have “a mystical connection." Naturally, she rejected his proposal, but he still moved out, insisting he "must explore connection with other women.” He says, “We have a great relationship, but now that I know about 'mystical connection,' if I don’t leave you, I’ll regret it on my deathbed.”
I’m desperately trying to make sense of this turn of events. Is this fallout from his abusive childhood? His early history was a red flag for me at first, but as he eloquently explained the inner work he’d done and expressed his gratitude for our connection, I thought, "Wow, he has a lot of self-awareness, growth, healing, and skills." And I fell for him, very much enjoying our connection, chemistry, and compatibility ever since. I truly thought we'd be happily together for the rest of our lives.
He’s not even willing to consider therapy, saying, “I already did all the inner work I need to do.” It’s funny, writing this out is making me realize it hasn’t all been a bed of roses. Still, this is ripping my heart out! Is there any hope for saving this relationship?
Dear Hope,
I’m so sorry.
It sounds as if you two have been living in parallel universes—you feeling connected but him feeling disconnected. There could be a number of factors at play for him, including childhood trauma, depression, midlife crisis, and other hidden struggles. In fact, there are many red flags.
Red Flags to Consider
- He was great for a while, charming and willing to connect with you, but he couldn’t sustain it.
- He kept secret his feelings of disconnection, for years.
- He kept secret his growing infatuation with another woman.
- He ignored the unfair power dynamics of pursuing an employee, which shows a lack of ethics.
- He is overly confident and entitled, for example, expecting a young woman to consent to an intimate relationship in spite of her age and sexual orientation.
- He is delusional, living in an “alternate reality” where he imagines building a life of "mystical connection" with someone else.
- He proclaims himself to have superior knowledge about connection, when in reality, giving up a long-term relationship for the sugar high of the next infatuation shows a dire lack of understanding about connection.
- His justifications for making this significant shift in his life are illogical, fantastical, and pompous. He also shows a grave disregard for thinking through the consequences of his actions, epitomizing self-sabotage.
- He has essentially been unfaithful to you.
- His lack of empathy for you is astonishing.
These Red Flags Indicate Big Problems
Many of these red flags are hallmarks of narcissistic tendencies, which is a common outcome for abused and neglected kids. As a child, he likely survived by disconnecting from himself and what was happening. Unfortunately, it appears that he has not emerged intact. He is showing signs of significant cognitive and emotional disabilities. His nervous system was not optimally nurtured, and the neural maps in his brain compel him to make life chaotic and destructive. He hides behind a false self, which means he cannot connect with your authentic self, nor anyone else’s.
As an adult, he no longer needs these dissociative survival strategies. But because of his abuse-driven neural maps, his brain and his body don’t know for sure that he’s safe, even with you and your trustworthy, loving presence. And without trauma-focused treatment, “the body keeps the score,” and he has no choice but to react as chaotically and destructively as he does.
Unfortunately, while trauma-focused treatment can benefit people who’ve suffered childhood trauma, people with narcissistic tendencies are extremely well-defended, protecting themselves from an ocean of internalized shame. As a result, they tend to sabotage therapy, twisting its lessons and using their partner’s vulnerability against them. Or they find a therapist who is duped by their charms and enables their narcissistic narratives.
It sounds as though you would do what it takes to save the relationship, but he is clearly unable to collaborate with you in this endeavor, which is perhaps the biggest red flag of all. Here are some more red flags, which are also indicative of narcissistic tendencies:
- He is toxic. Not confiding in you about his feelings of disconnection and not saying "I need help with this," reveals an inability to be insightful, collaborative, trusting, or vulnerable. Or even more damning, he has concocted this story to justify his leaving you for "other women." In either case, he’s revealing the extent of his emotional dysregulation and toxic dysfunction.
- He is damaged. Being unwilling to rebuild your relationship and refusing to grow, he is more wounded and impaired than you thought. And he hid it well, so there was no way you could’ve known. Plus, being so captivated by an infatuation that he'd destroy "a great relationship" with you indicates a desperate desire for the "fresh supply" of attention and admiration he got from this young woman. This desperation is a classic sign of narcissism.
- He is gone. He has essentially devalued and discarded you, which is how people with narcissistic tendencies inevitably sabotage their relationships.
Your hope that this relationship can be saved is a testament to your attachment and devotion, and indeed, this is a painful loss for you to bear.
How to Move Forward
Simply put, your job is to focus on your own self-care.
- Have realistic expectations for your grief. You will grieve deeply—and likely for a long time. But even as you grieve, you are also healing, redrawing your neural map, and reinventing your life, one day at a time.
- Engage in mindful, reflective journaling. Putting your experiences and feelings of grief on paper can help you bring all the red flags to light, think more clearly about his narcissistic tendencies, and gain insights into his actions. Journaling can also clarify what you want and what your next steps are.
- Hold yourself accountable for your contribution to the situation. What could you have done better? What skills do you want to acquire? What will you do differently in the future?
- Connect with people who can offer you comfort, companionship, and nonjudgmental support.
- Therapy is also in order, as you are certainly dealing with betrayal trauma. Therapy can also support you in your grieving, adjustment, and healing transformation as you reinvent your life.
It may be tempting to hang on to the hope that he gets treatment for his trauma, admits the error of his ways, and comes running back to you. But even if that were possible, it would take years. And by then, you will have long seen the light, grown onto a new path, and created an easier, more fulfilling life that isn’t burdened by a complicated relationship with a complicated man.
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