Have you ever looked at your partner during a difficult conversation (or just sitting next to you on the couch) and thought, “When did this get so hard?”
The early stages of love are so easy and fun. Then at some point, you come face-to-face with how horrible your partner is when they’re hungry, or how complaining about their job isn’t just a once-a-month vent session but a daily grind, or that all the walls go up when they’re sad or angry and you’re left standing on the outside looking in. Eventually, we show ourselves in all our flawed glory and it takes some work to live with each other.
I think most of us know that “relationships take work.” That’s not new. The problem is that I don’t think we do a very good job defining what we mean by “work.”
We haven’t drawn clear lines around what kinds of work are positive and productive for relationships and what kinds are indicators of abuse or incompatibility. Not all relationship work is good—in fact of the three types I describe here, only one is a healthy place to use our effort.
Walking on Eggshells
When we love someone, most of us make some effort to protect their feelings and accommodate their moods. We learn the topics, memories, and circumstances that are especially sensitive for them—and we take extra care not to aggravate those things on purpose. It is an act of caring to understand our partner’s buttons and not push them, or to give them a little extra space and grace when they’re having a bad day.
Walking on eggshells is different. It happens when everything seems to upset your partner and you find yourself constantly monitoring their moods and adjusting your everyday behavior to avoid negative interactions and consequences. In research on abusive relationships, survivors describe walking on eggshells as a way to avoid angry outbursts of verbal, physical, and or sexual abuse. Unfortunately, it never works.
Even in situations where there is no physical or sexual abuse, it is exhausting and unhealthy to be on constant alert trying to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing. It makes us less free to be ourselves and leaves us less energy to enjoy our lives. Especially in dating relationships, walking on eggshells is not work we should be doing in most of our interactions.
White Knuckling
Some couples are in a constant space of evaluating “Is this working? Should I leave? Can we fix what is broken here? Should we even try?” This is another type of work to be cautious about.
Studies find that for dating couples, desperately trying to stay together or breaking up and getting back together over and over tends to be a sign that you just aren’t compatible. We can fall deeply in love with someone who we can’t build a stable relationship with. Holding onto a relationship that isn’t working can keep you from finding someone who fits your needs better or pursuing your own goals outside of a relationship. While breaking up takes both conviction and skills, it is sometimes the best option.
In a non-abusive partnership where people are raising children, working hard to stay together has merit. It may make sense to seek counseling to identify the problems and work toward solutions. However, both people have to be invested in that process and there should be some noticeable shifts that show you the work is paying off—even in small ways.
It’s important to note that children actually have worse outcomes living with parents who are constantly in conflict (whether they see it or not) than they do when parents can peacefully go their separate ways. If it’s not working and not getting better, consider how you might leave the romantic part of the relationship behind and co-parent with that person instead.
Trying to Be the Best Version of Yourself
So, what work should you be doing? Within our relationships, we have hundreds of small opportunities each day to engage our partners with a little kindness, grace, humor, playfulness, and understanding. Can we always do this? No. Life can be stressful; we get tired; we get grumpy. I get it. However, bringing the best of yourself to your partnership is worth doing as much as we can.
For example, we can choose not to blame our partners or take our negative feelings about work, school, kids, or friends out on them. We can talk about those stressors with our partners without being short-tempered, snarky, or grumpy at them. It takes work to strike this balance.
Maintaining basic courtesy and politeness is also a positive type of work, even though you may feel like you shouldn’t have to. Saying “please” and “thank you” may sound ridiculous in a 20-year relationship, but it goes a long way toward building goodwill and it’s an easy one, even if you’re in a bad mood. Note that politeness comes in lots of different forms. In my house growing up, courtesy meant never, ever drinking the last Coke in the fridge—not being prim and proper every minute of the day.
Another wise investment of your energy is being a good problem solver. Every couple has conflict, but what distinguishes the best relationships is the ability to see the core problem and work through it together. This takes a lot of effort. Our first impulse might be to get annoyed or retreat, but approaching a conflict or problem as a team is important work.
Conclusion
The line between healthy and unhealthy relationship work can feel blurry. Where is the boundary between accommodating a partner and walking on eggshells? How do you know when it no longer makes sense to struggle to stay together?
I think it comes down to taking a big step back and thinking about how the relationship feels overall. Are you drained and exhausted by the relationship? Does it make you feel small or unworthy? Those are clues that you may be doing work that doesn’t actually help, but rather prolongs an unhealthy relationship.
In a committed relationship or marriage, it may be worth seeking help from a professional to see if you can adjust these patterns. If not, it’s OK to let the relationship go.
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Are You Working Too Hard at Your Relationship? - Psychology Today
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