What does this work entail? Above all, some explicit and unflinching conversations about desire. It sounds like you do have a clear idea of your desires, whether that’s a specific fantasy or kink, a power dynamic you enjoy, or just a way you like to be touched. But it also sounds like perhaps you’ve come to this realization privately. I’m wondering how much of your “physical needs” you’ve expressed to your boyfriend before you concluded that it’d never work. I’m wondering whether you’ve admitted your dissatisfaction, discussed your fantasies, or tried new things with him.
It’s okay if you haven’t. Talking frankly about sex is not easy for even the most experienced among us, but it’s necessary if you want to give better sex a shot. This means, according to sex therapist Moushumi Ghose, “stepping outside of your comfort zone, having difficult and uncomfortable conversations, and having awkward sex and sensual moments.” Maybe you take the emphasis off orgasms and performance, and try to just enjoy each other’s bodies, without worrying about penetration or how wet or hard anybody is. Non-goal-oriented activities could mean “having a makeout session just to make out,” Ghose says, or dry humping, or masturbating in front of each other. It could mean experimenting with sex toys, watching porn together, dirty-talking, or sexting. I know “work” doesn’t sound all that sexy, but exploring what feels good for both of you can be a profound and revelatory bonding experience.
So yes, it is possible to improve your sex life. But the last factor—the factor that all three sex therapists I spoke to said was absolutely key—is whether you are actually motivated to do any of this. This kind of communication and investment and vulnerability is not for the faint of heart. And not everyone feels that it’s worth it.
If you do, it’s time to schedule a state-of-the-union conversation with your boyfriend immediately. If you don’t, or if you already feel like you’ve exhausted your options, that’s completely valid. Identifying what’s truly important to you often does lead to breaking up with someone, even someone you love. It doesn’t mean you are betraying him. It means you are sparing him, and yourself, from longterm resentment and despair.
Hi! I used to have a partner who would laugh or giggle a lot whenever he had an orgasm. What’s the deal with this?
—Kendra, 37
Orgasms are strange, wonderful things that can produce some unexpected and completely involuntary behaviors. The more unusual ones, like laughing, crying, sneezing, or headache are called “peri-orgasmic phenomena.” Even in 2020, scientists know little about why they happen. Some theorize that these odd side effects are caused by the constellation of hormones flooding one’s body during sex, like oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, epinephrine, and adrenaline. Laughing during climax isn’t unheard of, but it’s certainly rare—so rare that the only research about it comes in the form of individual case studies.
One thing seems to be clear, though: Apart from initial confusion, these reactions are not causes for concern. Sounds like this partner is in your past, but if you ever come across a laughing orgasm again, the best thing to do is to be cool with it. We all have our little quirks!
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If Your Sex Life Isn't Satisfying, Can Your Relationship Be Saved? - Teen Vogue
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