By Debangana Basu
Have you ever felt or noticed that in your new relationship when everything is going just fine, your man suddenly pulls away and you are left in total confusion?
This is a very common phase, that almost every woman goes through in the initial stage of their relationship. After a couple of perfect dates, when everything seems to be a fairy tale, he suddenly pulls away. He takes less initiative to plan next meets, doesn’t calls you a thousand times like before, misses your calls, or may even take longer to return your calls/messages, while you sit 24 hours in front of your phone hoping he would message. This is a behavior that almost all women do. You constantly think about what you might have done or said that made him pull away. You go on replaying all the instances and moments spent with him trying to analyze the reason. But guess what? Nothing happens! You just end up torturing yourself more. You might even start to think that you are not good enough and put him on a higher pedestal with the only goal in your mind that you have to grab him before he leaves.
You send him texts which he doesn’t reply to. You call him a hundred times and he doesn’t attend them either. He replies with a word or two. Now your fairy tale turns into a nightmare for you. In desperation, you might send him long closing emails/texts or voicemails, stating that you wish him luck in life and you cannot continue like this and that you need answers but he is unavailable. Some of you may even think of calling it off, thinking it is much better to reject him before he rejects you. After having done things in desperation, now you are not even left with the option of reconnecting with him casually, after things cool down, making the situation even worse for yourself.
So what should you do? Now, before you start to do anything, you have to know what you should do, to begin with.
It is very normal for a man to pull back for some time after being close to you in the relationship. He will need his space. He will pull away to get back his autonomy, especially after feeling emotionally fulfilled. After pulling back, they will return exactly where they left.
Now this pulling away period differs from one man to another. A man, after connecting with his partner will lose himself in the intimacy. Pulling away, helps him to get back his autonomy. Some men, when feeling that they have been too emotionally intimate, they will automatically pull back, before they come back again.
Another reason why he may pull back is when he sees that in the new relationship, you are way more involved than him and you are getting more serious as compared to him, this will make him want to pull back a bit to handle the emotions you are putting forward and to process his own feelings and thoughts about the relationship. Pulling back, in this case, does not mean that he doesn’t want the relationship. It just means he is processing his thoughts.
During this time, when he is taking some time out for himself, it is better not to blame him for doing that as this is the natural part of the process they go through. The more you question him, blame him, for not being available, ask him if he loves you and ask him where this relationship is heading to, the further he will pull back since he himself is unsure of the answers of the questions you ask him. He might end up saying something that will hurt you even more. The more hurt you get, the more emotional you are likely to become. The more emotional you become, the more needy and clingy you will get. This will make him pull back even further. The more you blame him for changing, the more confused he is likely to get, thus creating more chaos to your current situation. Just like you feel why he has changed and is no more available, he will also think as to why you have changed and become so needy. So it is advisable not to chase him. Give it some time and you will get to see things more clearly.
Of course, a man can also pull away if he doesn’t want the relationship, and if that is the case, then its best to let him go, because you are worth more. You should wait for someone who will see you for what you are.
So early in a relationship, if a guy pulls away, these are the things not to do:
- Ask him why he is running away.
- Ask him why his behavior changed.
- Ask him where you both stand in the relationship.
- Blaming yourself.
- Thinking you are not good enough.
- Constantly messaging him or ringing him.
- Sitting beside the phone 24 X 7.
- Block him right away.
Here is the list of things you should do instead:
- Focus on yourself.
- Focus on self-development.
- Learn something new.
- Love yourself.
- Do your regular activities.
- Take up a hobby if you don’t already have one.
- If you have any dreams, start taking the necessary steps to accomplish them.
There is nothing wrong to ping him once in a while to exchange a “Hi” or ask “how he is doing”, but constant nagging is a big “No-No”. By doing this, you will not only give him his space but you will also save yourself loads of mental torture.
About the Author:
Debangana Basu (ORCID: 0000-0001-7181-2506) is a Kolkata-based human resource consultant.
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DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this insight piece are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the IndraStra Global.
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August 18, 2020 at 11:08AM
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