Q. I’m a serial “runner” . . . so how do I slow down? For context, I’m only 25. I know the comments section will say, “Oh, you’re so young. You have so much ahead of you.” I’m not looking to put the brakes on just yet. I guess at this point I’m looking for the brake pedal.
I’ve been in a number of relationships during and since college, and I’ve managed to implode all of them. Have there been disagreements? Of course. Have I made some boneheaded moves? More than once. It’s a constant cycle of finding someone — either in real life or on apps — going on a few dates, getting progressively more and more intimate, confessing feelings, entering an almost flow state in a now-established relationship . . . and then I find something that bothers me or I do something out of character that will eventually lead to the relationship’s demise around nine to 12 months in.
I’ve tried my best to talk it out when there’s a problem, but I feel like once the thought of a breakup has crossed my mind, I’m stuck there. With friends now getting married and having children, I feel like there’s an expectation in relationships at this age where it’s make or break. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for another serious relationship until I learn how to break the cycle. How do I slow down and actually make something work without self-imploding?
– Runner
A. Honestly, it sounds like all of these breakups have been necessary. You didn’t mention missing any of these exes. You haven’t said that your urge to implode everything — to break up instead of working things out — has resulted in the loss of a partner who could have been great. You were ready to let them go. That tells me you made the right calls.
At some point, you might care for someone so much that the idea of losing them becomes more stressful than having to deal with their annoying quirks. Or you won’t be able to imagine experiencing something wonderful without being able to tell them about it. That hasn’t happened for you yet.
Some 25-year-olds in your world might be getting married, but others are nowhere close to tapping the brakes on dating. There’s nothing wrong with having a bunch of experiences, as long as everyone stays honest and treats each other with respect.
Take some time to think about whether you end these relationships with empathy. That’s key.
Something else to consider as you continue dating: Have you ever been in a “flow state” while single? Do you give yourself time to take breaks from looking? Sometimes experiences — and patterns — can blend together when so much happens at the same time. See if you can take an occasional beat and be comfortable with your own company.
— Meredith
READERS RESPOND
It sounds like you scramble to be in a relationship just as much as you scramble to leave it. DANGLEPARTICIPLE
I went through this same thing at your age . . . I think I was able to hit the reset button once I allowed myself a good year of being single and focusing solely on myself. BONECOLD
What’s wrong with just dating vs. trying to force every warm body you meet into a “relationship”? DOGSKI
Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show. Send your relationship quandaries and questions to loveletters@globe.com. Columns and responses are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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