Many of my clients have, let’s say, complicated relationships with their moms. Some are struggling not to become her, some are grieving the loss of her, some are reconciling the fact that their mother abandoned them. Some cherish their mothers, but still have issues with boundaries. Some have incredible admiration for their mothers and feel as if they can never live up to her example.
No matter which way you turn it, it’s one of the most complex relationships we have.
Our relationship to our mom is closely tied to our sense of self-worth. They held the initial key to our validation as a human being. Therefore, when we have a difficult relationship with mom, it can have a deeper impact than we may want to acknowledge. By nature, we are compelled to maintain a connection with our mothers. When that relationship is strained, it can be exceedingly painful or anger inducing.
If you have a difficult relationship with your mom, or are having trouble forgiving her, this column is for you. I’m going to share some things that have helped me and my clients let go of the struggle and come to a place of peace in relation to mom.
It’s important to state that not a single mother is perfect. We’ve all done things that will likely land our kids in therapy. This is in no way to judge or shame any mother. In fact, I firmly believe that all mothers love their children to the best of their ability with what they have available at any given moment. The purpose here is to help liberate you to love yourself and your mother in a deeper way.
The first step to find peace is acceptance. We must accept who our mother is without expecting her to ever be different. Wanting someone or something to be different than it is only creates pain. Often this process of acceptance looks like grieving the mother we think we should have had and letting go of any expectations that mom will change. This can actually be quite difficult. Accepting mom for who she is, is easier said than done. But when we keep going back to our mothers hoping to get something we feel we never received, it’s like going to the hardware store to buy milk. You’ll be frustrated and disappointed every time. Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning or pretending like everything is peachy. Acceptance simply means seeing things for what they are, not as they should be.
For example, you never felt your mother’s approval. No matter what you did, it felt like it was never enough. She likely had positive intentions, wanting you to reach your full potential. However, her withholding of approval has led to a lifetime of you seeking approval. Only nothing really satiates that craving for self-worth because there’s still a part of you that wants it from her.
When you accept you’re never going to get from her what you feel you need in order to be whole, and you choose to love her exactly as she is, you get your power back. You’re no longer setting yourself up to relive the same hurt over and over. This frees you up to receive what you need from another source.
Next step is forgiveness. If my clients are struggling to forgive, I encourage them to first fortify their own sense of worth with self-love and strong boundaries. We hold onto unforgiveness when we feel at risk of being hurt. Establishing boundaries and ensuring that your deepest needs of love, safety and belonging are met makes you feel strong enough to let go of the hardness that has protected you. When you’re no longer relating to her from a place of need, you’re no longer vulnerable to the pain of rejection and disappointment.
Acceptance and forgiveness are necessary for total freedom. Next week we’ll talk about how to move forward from here.
If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
Rebecca Stark Thornberry is a Mastery Certified Life Coach and the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can email her or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com
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The Relationship Coach: Your Mom (part 1 of 2) - Longmont Times-Call
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