The word “monogamy” defines sex — nothing else. Monogamous couples only have sex with each other. Sex outside a monogamous relationship is considered “cheating.”
The term “non-monogamy” also only has to do with sex. It defines a range of relationships with different sexual rules, boundaries, and agreements, each one different from the other. “Cheating” and “infidelity” can still happen in a non-monogamous relationship, as there are endlessly different ways to do non-monogamy. But generally speaking, non-monogamous relationships permit some sex outside the relationship.
Some non-monogamous couples play with thirds and have thrilling threesomes. Other non-monogamous couples play with outside partners individually — you may have sex with your special person, or your special people, and your partner may have sex with theirs. Sometimes non-monogamous couples make allowances for sex outside the relationship only with certain people or in certain situations (on business trips, on vacation, whatever).
And some non-monogamous couples have no sexual restrictions — you can do what you like, when you like, with or without your partner’s knowledge. I call these relationships “open,” and this is the kind of relationship I have. An “open” relationship is different from a “non-monogamous” one, as being fully open is only one version of non-monogamy. If non-monogamy was a scale, with monogamy on one end (no sex with anyone else), “open” would sit at the other end. Most non-monogamous couples, in my experience, fall somewhere on that scale — few are completely open.
There are great books to read about non-monogamy. I recommend The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, and — if I may be so bold — my own upcoming book, My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, which will publish this October (hey, I want to sell books!).
There are also, of course, many great articles online and websites you can read on the subject. Do research and gain a basic knowledge of non-monogamy and non-traditional relationships. You’ll stumble into an online culture of progressive people who use therapy and mental health terms a lot — many of the people leading the discourse on non-monogamy are therapists.
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May 27, 2021 at 07:08AM
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21 Tips for Opening Up Your Relationship - Advocate.com
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