Many people arrive in therapy seeking answers to a relationship that has gone wrong. They say things like:
- “We were so good in the beginning. What did I do to cause things to change?”
- “I keep replaying our last conversation in my head. I still don’t know where it came from or how to respond.”
- “I simply can’t get over the thought that this whole thing was somehow my fault.”
Searching for answers when a relationship is on the rocks, or has recently ended, is a normal response. However, excessive rumination, thought-spiraling and fixation can lead to deeper psychological issues. Although we all have a natural tendency to want to understand the sequence of events that caused the breakdown, we also owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. This sometimes means avoiding trying to make sense of nuanced and inexplicable scenarios. It also means steering clear of self-blaming cycles.
Here is one way to know if you struggle with relationship overthinking, as well as two strategies to turn difficult episodes into opportunities for growth.
The Mistake Rumination Scale
Psychologists have designed various instruments to assess an individual’s tendency to become bogged down or “stuck” in destructive thought patterns, especially pertaining to one’s closest relationships. One such test is the Mistake Rumination Scale, authored by a team of researchers at the University of British Columbia and York University.
To gauge your propensity for getting stuck on things that have have gone wrong, read through the following seven questions and ask yourself how often they apply to you.
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think “How could I be so stupid?”
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think “Why can’t I stop making mistakes like this?”
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think about the mistake and wish it had gone better?
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think “Why do I make mistakes that other people don’t make?”
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think about other mistakes you have made?
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think “Why couldn’t I have seen this coming and have found some way to avoid it?”
- When you make a mistake, to what extent do you tend to think “I am not going to let other people know about this?”
If you find yourself resonating with the questions above, it’s likely that you are especially sensitive to conflict and breakdowns in your close relationships. This is true of everyone, but you probably take it particularly hard. You may try to think your way out of relationship problems, which only adds gravity to the problem and weighs down your psyche.
Fortunately, there are many ways to keep your relationship overthinking habit at bay. Here are two possible solutions.
1. Flex Your Perspective-Taking Muscle
People who get caught up in a cycle of relationship rumination and overthinking can often benefit from a change in perspective. For instance, instead of thinking “how did I cause this problem to happen and how can I fix it?” try flipping the script to “what position or frame of mind was my partner in to cause them to act like this?” Taking the perspective of the other person can help you assess the situation as if you were an objective third party. Asking a friend or a therapist for their perspective on the matter can also help you see the problem from an outside lens.
Remember, rumination is a self-directed journey through one’s thoughts and emotions, often leading to dead ends. To break the cycle, it’s important to adopt, and fully commit to, a new perspective.
2. Make A Radical Change
Sometimes, it’s our environment, routine and the people we surround ourselves with that keep us fixated on an unhelpful thought. One way to break out of a destructive thought pattern is, therefore, to make a radical change to your lifestyle. This could mean any number of things, such as:
- Taking a break from social media
- Seeking out the counsel of a qualified mental health professional
- Committing to a new exercise routine
- Taking a vacation
- Finding a new job
- Moving to a new town or city
It’s not guaranteed to work, but it’s worth a shot. As any good therapist is quick to remind you: nothing changes if nothing changes.
Conclusion
Relationship overthinking has many sources, and nobody is completely immune from it. When you find yourself caught in its web, try to (1) adopt different perspectives on the issue and (2) don’t be afraid to make a lifestyle change.
If you’d like to take the Mistake Rumination Scale cited above and receive your results, you can follow this link: Mistake Rumination Scale
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