Valentine’s Day, the day we collectively agree to celebrate our love. It’s a “done for you” day. Even the grocery store has options. You can find something to express your undying love for the most important person in your life while picking up a gallon of milk.
I’m not one to be cynical often, but to me, this holiday can feel a little vapid. I resent the pressure to be romantic. I’m uncomfortable with societal expectations to perform. I don’t like it because it feels hollow, it’s too easy to just go through the motions of Valentine’s Day with no heart at all. The script is written for us, literally, our declarations of love are written by some dude named Hallmark. The whole charade never sat right with me.
But maybe it’s not the holiday, maybe it’s me.
Do you ever feel like you’re totally alone in a relationship? Or like you’re two people playing roles from some prewritten screenplay and you’re not even sure if you like the movie?
Does your romantic relationship feel like a chore, something you do out of obligation? Do you find yourself at dinner, looking across the table at this person and wondering if you know them at all?
It’s always blown my mind how some of the most disconnected relationships can be marriages.
The one relationship that’s more intimate than any other, and yet can be full of years of resentment, logs of painful words spoken, and a deep underlying mistrust so glossed over that we’re able to buy a card and box of chocolates and pretend that everything is fine.
I’m depressing myself.
But, I grieve for how lonely some marriages are, and how desperately unhappy two people can be because they aren’t willing to be honest about how scared and disconnected they feel.
This was my marriage, so I get it. And when someone else came along who was able to meet those deep, unmet needs neither of us had the courage to voice, it was game over.
I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, so I’ve spent lots of time evaluating, learning, healing, and growing.
For what it’s worth, here’s what I’ve learned.
Solve the problem in you, not them. It’s far too easy to point out your significant other’s faults, the ways they don’t meet your needs, don’t respect you, don’t listen to you. We can easily tally what we’re not getting. But can we see what we’re not giving? For every flaw you see in your partner, turn it around and ask, how is this true about me? In what ways am I disrespecting him? Could I listen better? Am I meeting her needs?
Invest in the relationship. It’s cliché, but your marriage is like a garden. If you don’t tend to it, it becomes overgrown with weeds and the beauty will be lost.
Your desire for your partner comes from your thoughts about them. If you’ve lost the spark, it can be rekindled in your mind. Trust me on this one.
If trust has been damaged, make it your top priority to repair it. I don’t just mean from infidelity; any deception or cruelty in marriage damages trust. It should be the same level priority as getting the cracks in the foundation of your house fixed. Get outside help if needed.
If you feel lonely, there’s a good chance it’s not just you. Talk about it. Be vulnerable. Address the elephant in the room.
Mostly, don’t just go through the motions of marriage. If Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a nuisance to you, ask yourself, “Why?” And be prepared to face the answer.
It’s worth feeling awkward, asking the hard questions, and hearing the painful truth.
I firmly believe if you have the right tools, and willingness to grow, anything can be fixed, but you can’t fix what you don’t own. And love, it’s worth the trouble, don’t you think?
If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
Rebecca Stark Thornberry is a mastery certified life coach and the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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