Dear Carolyn: My daughter is in her first year of high school. She was a quiet but friendly kid previously. This year, she has thrown herself headfirst into many, many romantic relationships at a frenetic speed. She declares she’s “in love” and trades intense, passionate texts with boyfriends and girlfriends, and then it’s over like it never happened and she’s on to someone new. I’ve literally lost count of with how many kids she has initiated their “first kiss.”
She seems happy enough, we have a good relationship and I don’t want to shame her, but I’m concerned about this constant need to be in a relationship and the intensity of these relationships. Her friends don’t seem to be pursuing romantic relationships, and I was a big dork back in school, but maybe my daughter’s behavior is normal?
— Concerned
Concerned: This is like so many questions that come up with adolescents, where you just want to know, is this a problem, or is it the age? I don’t feel comfortable saying in any definitive way which one it is in your situation, especially with so little info, but in general I have felt comfortable* using the standard that if everything else seems okay, then I’ll treat it as adolescence and watch for signs that it’s more.
And when it is a straight-up adolescence thing, that means maintaining a steady adult presence in her life, passively — search up “potted plant parent” — setting limits that don’t invite a power struggle, and being a good listener. Teen (over) sharing can result in things that are hard for a parent to hear, but it’s a sign of trust.
*I'm not sure “comfortable” is really the word for it, but there you go.
Re: Teen: One of the great things about college is that you have a chance to go far away from where you went to high school, and pretend it never happened.
— Mover
Mover: And one of the great things about graduating from college is that you have a chance to go far away again, and pretend it never happened, either.
Social media, a pox on all of it, has complicated this to the point that stuff can follow people everywhere — but some of the glories of moving remain.
Re: Teen: This describes me and all my friends when we were in middle school/high school and is probably fine. While it couldn’t hurt to get a counselor to help her talk out her big feelings, please don’t try to shut it down. You need to keep dating and sex as open topics so she can come to you with questions and especially to note any signs of control or abuse.
Also, try leaning into this crazy crush phase, if she’s into it. Could you guys watch romantic movies together or read classic love stories? Those will give you the opportunity to discuss healthy and unhealthy relationships.
— Me
Me: Love that idea, thanks.
Re: Teen: I would make sure I discussed with my daughter that nothing she says or does online is private. Ask how she will feel if her steamy texts are shared with others in the school? And I would remind her that she should not be sharing steamy pictures.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Thanks. Great reality checks that all online kids need, more than once.
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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Parent worries that teen daughter has had 'many' romances already - The Washington Post
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