How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for 25 years and were together for five years before getting married. We have four adult kids—our youngest just moved out for college last year. From the time things got serious in our relationship, he was very open about the fact that he occasionally hooks up with his (male) friend “Charlie.”
It was presented as very much a “take me or leave me” situation but I really didn’t mind at all (and still don’t) and said I was fine with it. I also occasionally pursue other casual relationships with men and my husband is fine with that too. It’s not something that we “don’t talk about” but it’s also just not something we discuss. We also have a great and satisfying sex life with each other and spend a lot of quality time together. I am completely happy with our relationship. Here’s my problem: My husband and Charlie work together, and they both used to travel a lot for work, so a lot of times they would have sex would be during those business trips and occasionally here and there at Charlie’s place (before he was married).
However, now we’re older empty nesters, and they’ve been traveling for work less, my husband and Charlie are going on more “fun” trips together. Again, this is fine with me, but I’m struggling with how to explain this to my kids. I honestly didn’t think they’d ever notice but last month our 21-year-old daughter recently came over and asked where her dad was. I said he was on a golf trip with Charlie and she said, “Again? They spend so much time together, it’s like they’re married” and then laughed. One of my sons also made an offhand comment about it recently too. This whole situation requires discretion due to my husband’s job and position (and I also don’t feel like sharing information about my sex life with other men with my children). I don’t want them to worry about our marriage or anything, but I know my husband would never want them to know. Do we take a break from nonmonogamy until the kids get back to being busy with their own lives?
—Empty Nesters
Dear Empty Nesters,
It’s not up to you to explain this to your kids—that job is for your husband, and if he doesn’t want them to know, you should respect that. Going against his wishes and describing the situation to your kids would be outing him, and not even the most agile mental gymnastics could justify doing so here. Your kids are curious and maybe even speculating about your husband’s sexuality—let them. They don’t have to know or understand everything that isn’t their business. As far as they know, your husband has a close friend that he often spends time with and you’re completely OK with that. That’s all they have to know. The situation is wholesome. From every angle, its players are content. Don’t threaten to disrupt that by inviting in disinterested parties that could judge or raise issues. You can, though, let your husband know what your kids said so that he can consider whether his secrecy is still the best course of action here. Again, that’s his choice. You should otherwise leave it alone and let the kids wonder. They’ll be fine.
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Dear How to Do It,
Please solve this discussion in my friend group. Is it OK to fantasize (and masturbate) often and in great detail about someone who is definitely off-limits, so long as you resolve never to act on it in real life? Think your kid’s teacher, a boyfriend’s friend, or your brother’s spouse.
—Thou Shall Not Covet Your Brother’s Wife
Dear Thou Shall Not Covet,
Yes. How to Do It is a thought-crime-free zone. We believe that it’s OK to fantasize. It can be a useful way to sort out potentially disruptive feelings, and a good way to vicariously experience what you cannot actually experience. We get a fair amount of questions like this to the column, and I think what underpins the query is a puritanical anxiety over “impure thoughts.” Well, even if there is such a thing, impure thoughts never hurt anyone, other than perhaps the person who has them, and that hurt generally comes in the form of shame. These particular thoughts that you mention are endowed with morality as the resolution to never act on them comes baked in—it’s not even like they are unchecked. That mindfulness is good defense against a slippery slope scenario in which too much fantasizing wears down one’s defenses and starts making behavior that was once verboten seem acceptable. To be clear, I don’t think this is much of a hazard in most scenarios, but I think it’s particularly useful to go into fraught fantasies with clearcut boundaries between the real world and the fantasy one, which is the scenario that you’re painting.
Because one can fantasize, tell no one about it, and leave the world as unaltered as it was prior to the fantasy, it’s completely OK to do so.
Dear How to Do It,
Am I doing something wrong here? I’m not certain if it’s my conscience pricking me or lingering discomfort with non-monogamy and generalized anxiety getting me down. I (he/him, late-30s) and my partner (they/them, same age) are in an open, poly relationship. They are dating three other people; I don’t currently have any other dating partners. However, I recently made an account on Grindr and have been having occasional hookups via the app. We have discussed our open relationship and been clear that the openness is fully mutual and we don’t require each other’s permission to go on dates or acquire new partners. Our discussion didn’t encompass casual sex; up until my new Grindr experiences, I was extremely body-shy and didn’t think I would ever be the type to sleep with strangers, and they’re not really the type to engage in casual sex. But if they told me they were also having hookups, I’d be fine with it; the whole point of the open relationship is for each of us to meet our needs how and when we want without feeling that we’re betraying the other, while also enjoying our intimacy, closeness, and affection together. I’m not particularly strongly monogamous or non-monogamous; whatever the rules of the relationship are, I’m cool, but my partner is firmly non-monogamous.
Every time I think about how to bring up my new habit with them, I’m bowled over by shame and embarrassment. I’m not cheating on my partner based on the rules of our relationship, but deep down, I sort of feel as though I am. In my mind, telling them that I’ve been using Grindr to have casual sex would be a confession of some sort of wrongdoing that they might take offense to. I would not be embarrassed to tell them I’m going on a date with someone, but telling them that I’m meeting up with a guy to just fuck and then go our separate ways… feels different. Generally in life, I’ve felt that if you feel like you’re doing something wrong, you probably are doing something wrong—at least per your own internal moral code—and you should stop to reassess and make better choices. I don’t think hooking up with guys via Grindr is wrong per se, but I feel as though I’m doing something wrong in my relationship. Am I?
—AITA?
Dear AITA,
No, you’re not doing anything wrong, and you share a pretty clear picture of how your partner would take the news that you’ve turned to online cruising: in stride. The information you have right now is all coming from within you, and I think you’re right that shame is at its root. Sometimes even when we think we’re years past the homophobia that the broader culture manufactures, it has a way of sneaking up on you and smacking you on the ass. Beyond the not-always-easy process of accepting yourself as someone who enjoys fast casual sex with men, what gives your particular challenge its contours is the notion of having to share that information with someone else, who, sex positivity and ardent belief in nonmonogamy aside, could still theoretically judge you for your choices. Disclosure makes our private predilections tangible, and it’s really daunting to put yourself out there to that degree. It’s natural to be intimidated by that, especially given the specifics—queer men have been vilified for their sexual practices, and of course, there is the potential exposure to infections that comes with a variety of partners.
Do your best to not behave according to your anxiety. Trust that bigger voice in you that says you’re not doing anything wrong. I wouldn’t ever recommend looking for a boyfriend on Grindr, but it certainly happens that people go from strangers who hook up to lovers. Really, hooking up via apps is just another way of exposing yourself to new people who may take up residence in your life and heart. I would try to avoid making a big deal of this revelation to your partner—it’s not something you need to sit them down for and then spill. Mention it casually in conversation when it comes up. Present it with the coolness that you hope they will receive it with.
—Rich
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