Q. Years ago, my now-fiancé and I took a chance and moved away to start a life together. I was pregnant, moving for a job, and I wanted the father of my child to be with me and family. Five years after the move, I was pregnant again. (This was a happy surprise. For a few medical reasons, the chances of this happening again were low.)
But then I had a miscarriage that required a D&C. My fiancé didn’t support me much, and when I wanted to talk about it, he would ask why and tell me to move on. I kept going over things in my head, what happened with the miscarriage, and would get sad.
Just before the year anniversary of the miscarriage, my fiancé and I began arguing. He said he was the one who made the decisions in our house. My son wouldn’t listen to me for some time; his dad had made it clear he was “top dog” — the only voice that mattered. I felt like our life wasn’t what I wanted us to be.
Eventually, my fiancé started to do nice things again, but ... I find myself unable to want to love him again. I feel like he left me in the dark and didn’t want to talk about the loss. I’m still struggling with what happened.
The only time I feel slightly better is when I’m away from him. I don’t want to end our relationship, but I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself imagining a new relationship, one I’m not hurt in. The hard part is that I’m trying to stay strong for my son, but he can tell I’m upset. He gives me hugs and says he loves me out of nowhere. I feel horrible for not being more attentive to his needs as a child, and like I’m not a good enough mom. I’m so lost and just want to feel better.
It seems like the only way to do this is leave, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Will my fiancé let me have a year to think things over? Is that fair of me, because he still has to work and pay bills for the house? Am I being totally unfair?
UNFAIR?
A. I’m so sorry. This has been a difficult time, and it sounds like you haven’t had much support.
That’s why it would be wonderful to find some mental health services. This miscarriage was devastating, and there are experts who can help you deal with the grief. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist, someone who can see you soon. Consider support groups. Be clear about the urgency. You’ve been trying to compartmentalize your feelings for a long time now.
Tell your fiancé you’re seeking help, and ask if he’s interested in joining you at any point. It doesn’t have to be couples therapy. Once you’re settled in with a professional, there might be appropriate moments to bring someone along for discussion.
I don’t know about the “one year” idea, mainly because it seems arbitrary. It puts you both in an uncomfortable position with a countdown clock. If anything, you could move out, set up a schedule for parenting, and see how things go. No timeline, just cooperation.
To start, a week away — maybe with family or an excellent friend — might be a nice way to refuel as you set up appointments.
If you have any concerns about how your fiancé will respond to your needs, talk to your doctor about that too. This isn’t about someone “letting” you go; it’s about figuring out what’s best for you and your child.
It’s about being healthy — so you can have a good life.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Your partner sounds disconnected from you emotionally. It’s a little complicated since you have a child together but you don’t have to stay with him just because of that. Your son already senses your sadness. He’s more emotionally clued in than your own partner. You want to make sure you’re modeling healthy relationships for him — so remember that this isn’t just about you and what you can tolerate.
BKLYNMOM
If you need a year to decide if you want to do something, you don’t really want to do it.
ZEPTEMBER-
I’m with Meredith. Get yourself some therapy, so you can tease all these issues apart and make the best decision for both you and your child.
WIZEN
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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