It’s no big secret that every relationship comes with its unique set of norms, limits, and problems. Yet sometimes, especially if you don’t have a lot of expertise in the area, it can be hard to recognize whether the tendencies of your partner are actually normal or if they carry an unhealthy undertone.
This is particularly true in the case of long-term relationships since it may be easier to overlook and perhaps even rationalize someone’s conduct when you’ve given all of yourself to one person for such a lengthy period. However, regardless of your circumstances, there are certain relationship issues that you should never put up with, be it something as evil as abuse or as seemingly harmless as being a bit too clingy.
“People whose first relationship was very long-term, what weird thing did you believe was normal until you started seeing other people?” – this web user turned to one of Reddit’s most thought-provoking communities, asking its members to describe what traits and behaviors they thought were normal before they started dating others. The thread managed to garner over 57k upvotes as well as 11.8k comments discussing the random and sometimes rather toxic antics of ex-lovers.
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I texted my then new girlfriend about where I was and who I was with about every 30 minutes. After the 3rd time, she told me that she didn't need to get updates on what I was doing, and to just let her know when I got home safe. I remember feeling almost a physical weight being lifted off my chest because I didn't have to worry about my girlfriend freaking out if I didn't update her. I learned what trust felt like that night.
Daily binge drinking until I realized a) I'm an alcoholic and b) hetero relationships don't work when one partner tries to drink the gay away
Only took me 9 years but I got there eventually
This is morbid but I thought it was normal to argue every day. I thought 'all couples have their bickering' and it was just a regular thing.
I was astounded when I went into my next relationship and actually got on with the guy and went weeks and weeks without having any issues. It always felt like the bubble was going to burst. Goes to show - don't stay in a relationship just because you've already invested a tonne of time. You get one life, spend it with someone who makes you laugh every day.
being cowed into an "open arrangement" = normal.
Him introducing me to "friends" while hanging out or going to parties and then him telling me later in the evening after the ice had broken that they were actually the girl(s) he was f*****g. Capitulating to his insistance that we continue to hang out even though I was uncomfortable with knowing this new information. = Normal.
Him making unwelcome and uncomfortable comments to other women I was friends with in front of me to attempt to orchestrate threesomes that I was not ok with.= Normal
If you love me, you'll chase after me = Normal
If you love me you'll leave face time up at all times so I can see whats going on in your dorm = Normal
If you love me you will not show any sad or mad emotion because it ruins my mood = Normal.
This is a little strange I guess, sort of an individual thing, but... with my first two relationships (5 years total between the two) I never realized how cuddly I am. I used to HATE being touched or kissed, and I never realized that wasn't just... the way I was. I even thought I might be asexual, but deep down I knew that wasn't the case.
My fiancé used to be the same way, but when we met, somehow things just... clicked into place.
Psychological abuse. I have a physical reaction now when my current partners are nice to me when I do something he would have berated me for hours and locked me in my room for. Like, I get a panic attack *because* my partners are nice to me when I drop a glass, or got laid off, or forgot to unload the dishwasher. And then they don't bring it up every time they're irritated with me. My ex was still yelling at me 14 years later for s**t I did when we first started dating - s**t like I forgot to pick up his laundry from the floor or bought the wrong brand of bacon. At the end there, the lectures lasted hours as he recounted 14 years of offenses. My current partners? They don't throw s**t in my face that I did the day before. The dissonance is crazy. I knew the other abuse wasn't normal, but my step dad is the same way with my mom, so I had no idea, I just thought it's how men are.
People's love languages are all different. It's especially jarring when you have a *lot* of experience doing things a certain way, and then finding out that isn't what somebody else needs. It can take some work to figure out what's inherent to yourself and what was learned from your partner.
Both oh my exbfs (2 years each relationship) told me that I had to be under 100lbs. I’m very petite but changed when I ate so I only ate one a day. My now husband has to kindly remind me that it’s okay to eat more then one meal.
Crying. All. The. Time.
She would use tears to the point of manipulation. This was in high school btw. I thought that was just “a girl thing” but no way. My current gf and I have been dating for 3 and a half years and she only cries when she’s in pain or having a panic attack. Both of which are not my fault and I can help her through.
Damn I thought every girl cried like 3 times a day. If any of you are dating a Kendra from Southern California, get the hell away.
That you should be happy together *now*, and not constantly waiting for some vaguely defined future where everything's settled down.
My first boyfriend was so ridiculously clingy. Like if we were in bed together we would HAVE to cuddle otherwise he would cry and think that I was mad at him, when in reality I was just hot and wanted some space.
I just thought that's what relationships were.
My relationship now is nothing like that. It is so nice to be in the same room but doing completely seperate things and not have to worry about each other.
It wasn't super long term, only about a year but when you're in high school that's fairly long term. My ex was a very clingy dude, sweet but would follow me around every social gathering and get jealous of me spending time with my friends. When I started dating the guy who is now my husband I remember looking around at a party early on of mostly my friends that he hadn't met before and I couldn't find him. I asked someone where he was and he was out by the fire with a group of people chatting and hanging out. I was astonished that we could just go our separate ways in a social setting and that was totally fine, we didn't have to be attached at the hip the whole time.
Edit: When I say he would follow me around I literally mean he never left my side. And these were parties and things where he knew everyone as well. At one point my friend was upset so I went into a bedroom with her and another friend to talk to her and within five minutes he came into the room and even though this was obviously private he just stood in there. And I did tell him multiple times that we didn't constantly have to be beside each other. If you and your partner like to hang out at parties that's fine but it was suffocating to me. He was jealous of my friends and complained when I would make plans with them. Honestly we were young and he's probably a totally fine dude now. We were just not right together.
I see so much horrible things on here, mine is quite tame but here goes.
My first boyfriend would always leave me small presents or notes underneath my pillow if I had to get up earlier than he did. He was quite romantic and told me I love you quite a lot. When I got a new boyfriend I caught myself looking underneath my pillow for at least a month/2 months in, just out of habit.
My ex basically taught me that it wasn't okay for me to be upset about things. Every time I would get my feelings hurt (even when I was upset about something completely unrelated to him) it was somehow flipped around so I ended up reassuring and comforting him. That s**t really messed me up, and I basically had to relearn how to be vulnerable with my SO. He also had a very solid plan of how he expected me to live my life, basically his main goal for me was to have kids and be a good housewife. Yikes.
On the bright side, nowadays I'm happily engaged and my fiance treats me with so much love and respect. He's supportive of my dreams and we are able to lean on each other in times of hardship.
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian home and was taught that sex before marriage was a sin.
My first teenage boyfriend and I were together for 5 years and never came anywhere close to having sex. At the time, I thought it was because I was a good Christian. Since sex before marriage was wrong, I didn't want to have sex with him. All my friends were either having sex or struggling not to. I didn't understand this because I didn't have the desire to do "wrong," just as I didn't have the desire to hurt people or lie or steal.
He and I broke up as our lives went in different paths. My next relationship became sexual pretty quickly, and it was only then that I realized that I was never really attracted to my ex, which is why I didn't want to have sex with him.
She made me believe the old TV tropes of women NEVER wanting sex. I had to work my a*s off to get her to give me some action.
The next girl I had was just f*****g amazed that I didn't just ask for it when I wanted it. The bewildered look on her face when she finally asked "You realize I'm horny too right?"
Putting his wants over my needs.
Putting his comfort above mine.
His comfort over my safety.
They shouldn't try to make you jealous. And definitely shouldn't get mad if it doesn't work.
They also shouldn't make you feel like one day their fist will find your face instead of a wall. Anger issues should not be normal. And one day I realized that if/when it happened, I could forgive him. I wish I had told someone that so they could have told me I should never even consider that possibility.
I also thought that violently swinging from rage to sappy romantic in less than a second was sweet, since it meant he was sorry for whatever he did or said.
You're apparantly not supposed to be afraid of your boyfriend, and a man doing his share of his own housework is not impossible to come by nor something you can't realistically expect! Also your partner isn't supposed to hate your friends and family nor shout at you about not having steak for dinner. And throwing glasses/plates at you or throwing punches is, like, frowned upon. (I'm living a much better life nowadays, truly! :) )
That mental/emotional abuse and not doing things together was normal...if that makes sense.
We met online and our first date was okay...but that was the last time we ever really went out in public. He was older than me so after work he would come to my college dorm. He forced me to have sex, and would get angry with me if I didn't....mock sadness and disappointment in me. I didn't want to but I thought I loved him and I thought he knew best.
He would avoid me for months at a time, just saying he was busy (usually during the summer. He was a teacher), and then try to convince me everything was okay come September.
He got engaged to another woman while still trying to convince me we were a happy couple. They got married two months ago.
Yes, I should have registered the signs, but he was my first relationship ever and I just wanted to believe it was all normal and okay. :(
On a much happier, lighter note, I am currently engaged to the actual man of my dreams, and he treats me like a princess :)
I never necessarily thought it was "normal" since I reject that loose characterization, but my girlfriend used to beg me to sniff my farts. It wasn't in a kinky way or anything, that would be disturbing. But from time to time, she'd ask me if I needed to let one rip, and I'd be like "no...(is this girl okay)?" and she'd kind of just not give me a response and pretend like nothing happened. Then 15 minutes later, she'd ask again, and I'd be like "actually yeah, kind of, why?" And then she'd ask me to take off my pants and spread my legs, after which she'd nestle the tip of her nose in that dark crevasse, clear her throat, slap my a*s and say "okay, go" with an elegance fit for ballerinas, not for fart-sniffers.
Her father hating me. I just thought this was normal, but in the subsequent 3 relationships (last one turning into a marriage and family) the parents were kind and I couldn't believe that is possible.
Wait, not everyone wants commitment? I always looked to the future. It was nice that the guys I dated in between my long relationships were kind enough to break it off when they realized what I was really after though.
That some girls, in a relationship, don't like to kiss as often as others. I'm just talking about pecks when I/gf gets home etc. I always enjoyed a hello kiss but I guess some girls don't?
My ex put her happines on me making it my responisbilty. Would demand I stay around and cut my work hours back and then be upset when we wouldnt have money to go out. Every time I would try and leave I was coerced with sex to stay, because I was young and stupid. After 8 years I had enough I moved 5 states away. Had a chain of bad relatsionships that ended, took some time to work on myself and im now engaged to an amazing woman I can communicate with share feelings about issues and who values a healthy relationship.
just like a lot of toxic behaviour. It wasnt a healthy relationship and I found myself looking after the other person and organizing my life around their needs. 4 years later and im still learning what a healthy relationship looks like and what its like when someone is looking after my needs.
Not me but the girl I'm currently dating said that her first long-term boyfriend would stare at himself in the bathroom for an hour or so before going to bed each night.
It was very minor all things considered. I got used to never being complimented, just criticized. I take that back, he did compliment me, once. He told me that in Saudi (his parents worked for an oil company and had moved there) I'd be worth many camels because I was "buxsom, had child bearing hips, and reddish hair". Yeah, he actually said buxsom. I've been married 22 years, and he was several years before that, and I still don't do well with compliments.
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