Jake feels like his partner, Ana, is always critical and dismissive. He tries to tell her about his day, and she seems to be only half listening; he suggests an idea for a vacation, and she immediately counters with something she thinks is better.
Ask Ana about this, and she says she has no idea what he is talking about. In her mind, she is caring and considerate—checking in with Jake when she senses he has a hard day, initiating sex, and letting him choose the restaurant because she realizes that sometimes she can be a bit of a control freak—which Jake never seems to appreciate. And though she may be a bit preoccupied when she comes home from work, she is listening; when Ana has another suggestion for a vacation, she is merely opening up the conversation to some brainstorming.
Jake and Ana often live in different realities, and they are not alone. As adults, we all enter relationships already formed; we are the culmination of our past experiences. Here are the most common sources for our different realities:
Childhood wounds
From his past childhood and previous adult experiences, Jake has become wired to be particularly sensitive to criticism and feeling dismissed; it doesn’t take much for these old wounds to reopen. Similarly, Ana has her own triggers. Like Jake, she, too, may be sensitive to criticism or not being appreciated. So, when Jake complains about her being critical and doesn’t appreciate what she knows she has done for him, she feels wounded. This is where they get stuck in the quagmire of mutual wounds, which, in turn, leads to resentment and defensiveness.
Intentions vs. behaviors
But making this all the worse is the gap between intentions and behaviors. Others only see your behavior, not your intentions. Feeling wounded, Jake sees and hears Ana being critical and dismissive; he has no idea she is brainstorming. Ana likely does the same: She notices what Jake doesn’t say about the fancy dinner she made and assumes he doesn’t care, while in his mind, he is merely preoccupied with work. They are talking two different languages, viewing life through different filters, each focusing on the behaviors but understandably unable to see the intentions behind them.
Different family cultures
Jake’s family was not very affectionate, not high on compliments, and never had anything approaching a lively discussion. Ana’s family was the opposite; again, a life seen through different filters.
With these different upbringings and filters in place, it’s easy to feel constantly wounded, misunderstood, unappreciated, and to stockpile hurts.
What to do instead? Change all of the above. Here’s how:
1. Let your partner know what you’re sensitive to.
Jake needs to not just complain or lash out but let Ana know that he is particularly sensitive to such comments and ways she can phrase them differently. Similarly, Ana needs to let Jake know she needs more appreciation for what she does. Both need to agree to step up, and by doing so, they can, over time, help each other heal old wounds.
2. Own your problem.
Both need to ultimately take responsibility for their own problems and not just blame or expect the other person to be cured. This means that Jake and Ana each need to work on themselves to counter those little-kid responses, realize when they are getting triggered, say to themselves this is old stuff, and take some deep breaths to avoid overreacting. This is about mentally and emotionally separating the past from the present so the past doesn’t get constantly replayed.
3. State your intentions.
If folks don’t know your intentions, they will make up their own—critical, controlling, not caring, unappreciative—again based on their past. Counter this by stating them. Here Ana lets Jake know at the front end of the vacation conversation that she doesn’t want to seem critical but would like to brainstorm together about options; Jake says that he realizes he was quiet at dinner because he was still ruminating about work and that the dinner was great.
4. Realize the impact of different cultures.
Ana needs to realize that brainstorming conversations will likely never be Jake’s forte, just as Jake needs to understand that Ana loves a good, energy-fueled discussion and hashing things over together. Over time, they need to work toward meeting in the middle.
5. Assume good intentions.
The most challenging couple relationships are those where both are always assuming the worst, feeling like the other is against them. This creates an untrusting and tense, if not hostile, emotional climate.
The challenge is to create new filters to replace the old, to rewire your brain. It’s about repairing the past by doing now what you couldn’t do back then, mentally and emotionally separating past from present, avoiding getting into the weeds of who the reality is right, and trying to believe that the world and others are less malicious than you think.
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3 Reasons Why You Each See Your Relationship Differently - Psychology Today
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