Question from Ashley
How do I know if a girl is bisexual or lesbian, and how do I ask her?
Weezy
These can be really personal questions that should not be asked until you have established a solid and trusting friendship. You can then talk about your orientation and see how she responds to that information.
I assume you’d like to date this person and you would love to know if she’s attracted to girls. Just like opposite-sex attraction, it can be tricky to learn and know if it’s there.
The best approach is to go slowly and respectfully, and to look for indicators. Is there long and meaningful eye contact? Is she standing a little closer than is necessary?
You can also try some nonthreatening, intimate contact. Grab her arm when she says something funny. Pay her a compliment. Reach out for her hand to show her something. See if you feel like there may be reciprocated feelings there. Then let her know that you like girls. If she seems fine with that information but offers none of her own you can ask, “Are you into guys or girls or maybe both?”
Take the conversation and the relationship from there.
(Dutchy video)
• • •
Question from Katie
I like this girl. We have been friends since high school, and that was about four years ago. At first she said she was straight, but now she’s saying she’s bi. I always had a crush on her so, when I found out, I got ecstatic.
I found out through Tinder and when I saw this, I texted her. For about three to four days we were texting nonstop. She was telling me she was not ready to be in a relationship because she just got out of a hard one, and so did I.
Anyway, this girl and I came to an agreement that we would sleep with each other and not catch feelings, so we slept together twice (I was her first woman sexual experience) and during the last time I was feeling the moment and slipped up and I told her that I liked her. Obviously, I didn’t mean for that to come out, but since I said it I tried to explain myself.
Obviously, it made her feel uncomfortable about continuing to sleep together because it was supposed to be no feelings attached. I told her that I was just feeling the moment and I honestly didn’t mean to say that. But I also explained to her that I’ve always had those feelings, and I had told her that before we even came into an agreement, So I don’t know how to at least try to convince her to continue sleeping with me or try to explain myself a little better.
I’m literally on the type of energy she’s on. If she wants to be friends with benefits, we can be friends with benefits. If she wants to be in a relationship, we can be in a relationship. I really genuinely don’t care because regardless, as long as I’m seeing her, I’m happy.
But I think I ruined that completely and I don’t know how to fix it. I understand that she is not ready for a relationship so I’m not asking for one, but I do want to be more than friends ... more than just friends. I feel like I made it awkward to flirt or to be romantic.
I just really don’t know how to fix anything and I would like help. If you have any advice or tips, please share.
Weezy
Bottom lining this, there are no sexual relationships without feelings. We are humans. We come to work with feelings. We drive with feelings. We walk with feelings. We go out with feelings. We come home with feelings. We have sex with feelings.
My sense is that you are seeking the immediate gratification of contact with the object of your affection. You want to be with this person as more than a friend and you will take that connection any way you can get it.
These terms do not benefit you. They come at the cost of you pretending that you’re not in love. Ask yourself why you are so willing to sacrifice your true self in order to be with the person who is receiving so much your attention?
The individual who plays this role in your life should want to hear and know what your heart and soul are thinking, feeling and saying. You should not be willing to bottle up all of that beautiful stuff just for sex. It’s a horrible deal. You will be very hurt and you deserve so much more.
This person is backing away because she knows all of this. She’s not ready to give you what you emotionally need. She may still be trying to figure out who she is and what she wants while you are further along on that road. You are telling her that you don’t need love. She knows better. We all need love.
You have not ruined anything by speaking your truth. You need to back away from this girl, and give her a chance to learn and grow while possibly missing you. This will free you and give you an opportunity to see who else may be a better fit for you right now. The right person wants to be with you, mind, body and soul.
• • •
Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.
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