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Q. First off, big fan of Love Letters. I found the column back in September and have read each letter since, every day before I start work.
I’ll do my best to describe my thoughts in a way that makes sense. I’ve always known that I am someone who would like to be in a serious/long-term relationship. I have dated women before, longest relationship has been about four months. So, here’s my question: I sometimes find myself thinking about dating or what it would be like to be with women that I know (friends, colleagues, etc.). However, I don’t really know if it’s A, that I’m actually into them and want to ask them on a date, or B, I’m just projecting the thought/desire of wanting to have a long-term partner onto them. As an example, there’s a co-worker in my department who I find very cute. She’s insightful, well-spoken, and I always enjoy our conversations during lunch. Sometimes after we have lunch/talk, I think about being with her, but then don’t really think about being with her after the thought leaves my head. Any advice on how to tell if it’s me just projecting, or if it’s that I’m actually into them? Any insight would be much appreciated. :)
P.S. Are there ever any Love Letters fan meetups/socials? I think that could be a fun event!
READING
A. There are Love Letters meetups. We’ve had plenty over the years, but that stopped during 2020, of course. I do think that, at the very least, I’ll host something online in early fall. But I promise, when it makes sense to gather, we will.
As for your question about crushes vs. projections, it sounds like you have real, albeit small, feelings for this colleague. At this point, you want to know more. It’s difficult to figure out whether you’re really into someone until you see them in a new context, spend quality time with them, and maybe even kiss them (if they are into being kissed). If it’s appropriate (doesn’t violate rules of your workplace, etc.), it sounds like it’s worth asking to see her outside of the job. Even if it’s in a group.
As you investigate, try not to think about the long-term-ness of it all. Right now, you’re answering simple questions. Is there attraction? Does she make you feel good about yourself and vice versa? If your desire for a long-term relationship fuels this next step, that’s OK. Motivation comes in many forms.
It starts with a simple request for more time. If she (or any of these possible crushes) accepts your request, enjoy and see where it goes. If you decide you’re not into her after an outing, that’s OK too.
You can’t answer questions without pursuing the experience. Get to it.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Going on a date vs being in a long-term relationship isn’t an either/or situation. You can’t get to the relationship if you don’t go out on a few dates first. With your co-worker, you have nothing to lose by just asking her out and seeing how it goes before launching into some major commitment.
SURFERROSA
^I didn’t realize until about 10 dates that I was attracted to a guy who turned out to be one of my life’s dearest loves.
PRCNWBRO
Start actively dating, but not people with whom you work. Hang out at a bar, join activity clubs, get on the dating apps. Dating is how you interview people for potential relationships. It can be a little hard to get out of your daydreaming comfort zone, but it’s so much more rewarding when you do. Good luck!
BLISTERED-TOE
“Sometimes after we have lunch/talk, I think about being with her, but then don’t really think about being with her after the thought leaves my head.” Then you’re not really interested in dating her. If you’re interested in dating someone you should think about them all the time, not just when you’re talking to them.
CONCERNEDCITIZENONDUTY
I’s no crime to want a relationship. These thoughts are just telling you, “Hey, I’d like to meet someone.” Pinch yourself and be glad you’re still alive. You like being with this co-worker; perhaps you could invite her to do something, e.g., “Do you want to go try this new Mexican place some night after work?” And if you guys talk about your personal lives, you can find out whether she has a partner, dates, etc.
JIVEDIVA
“Projecting” is something quite different from what you describe. If you find someone cute and sense that she has some qualities that might fit with you, go ahead and ask her out so you can find out for sure. As they say, you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your frog ... er, I mean, prince — ess.
OUTOFORDER
Meredith makes a good point that you only know about your co-worker from the time that you’ve spent together at work and at lunch. You should get to know her outside of work before you decide if you want to pursue a relationship with her. The best way to do this is to ask her out on a date. If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. If you do ask, her answer might be yes. If she turns you down you should go back to business as usual. If she accepts your offer then you can make plans for your first date. Dating is an audition for a long-term relationship. If you pass her audition, and she passes your audition, you should start a relationship. If everything goes well, it will become a long-term relationship. If everything goes really well you’ll wind up with a wife, a house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids in the yard. Ask her out to a BBQ joint and risk it for the brisket.
ADAMNOSPACE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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