Do you know the extent of your tolerance, and what you will never accept?
A young French chef on a TV show said that she scolds her juniors or appreciates them, as appropriate. Nothing unusual in that. But then she added, “They are like children; they test your limits…”
That set me thinking about how we all test limits in relationships and how important it is to set appropriate boundaries. Relationships are all about the boundaries two people are able to set between themselves. You keep trying your luck. You give some, you take some, and then there is the space in between where a relationship finally settles. How much you are willing to take is where you set your line.
Marriage is no exception. It is a game of how far you can push, and how far you are willing to be pushed. What must be remembered is that it isn’t a race as to who draws one’s lines earlier, but more a testing and trying not just of the other person’s level of tolerance, but also of your own. Do you know what you can tolerate, and what you just refuse to take any more?
You have to stop people from taking you for granted, and conversely, not take anyone for granted either. Your values and priorities are the core to this understanding and the foundation of your boundary lines. If you understand these, it is easy to figure your non-negotiables and the areas you can be a bit flexible in. For instance, it is an easy choice when it comes to standing up for what is right or when it is a question of a loved one’s welfare or your own dignity.
Another important aspect of boundary-laying is the sphere of trade-offs. Every relationship is bound to operate on some trade-offs. So, it could be, “I am willing to allow your weekend afternoon naps so long as the evenings are mine to decide what we do!”
Just as it is important to know your trigger points, learn the trigger points of loved ones as well. So, in any relationship of equals, the participants know exactly what buttons not to push and when to advance or back off. Such intimate knowledge gives you immense power over the other and how you use or misuse this depends on mutual respect and love, and the intention to make the relationship work, of course!
So, do you know your triggers? Is it when someone tries to manipulate you or control your decisions? Are you put off when someone breaks a promise too often? When your dignity is hurt? Or is your trigger constant whining, shouting or dirty language?
It is not advisable to fool yourself on your own capacity of forbearance. Back when I used to help my baby brother with his studies, he said something that had a life-long impact. “You don’t pull me up for several mistakes, and then you burst angrily at one small error. Why do you do that?”
I hark back to that moment often. Frequently you hold your anger or irritation back, but it all builds up and then the dam bursts one day. It’s important to voice your protest and draw your lines early.
When you love and respect someone, you will not transgress lines that set off triggers. When someone does that, it shows they do not respect you enough.
What you will do with such a relationship, is matter for another column!
DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.
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November 08, 2020 at 07:30AM
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Set boundaries early in relationships! - The Times of India Blog
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