:quality(70)/cloudfront-us-east-1.images.arcpublishing.com/adn/IKATSBCDTJFQHCYDCTRRIENFSE.jpg)
Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been with my significant other for several years. We live together, share property, spend holidays together, have a dog — all this to illustrate, we’re serious. We talk about spending our lives together. But his family is a huge barrier — namely, their relationship with his ex.
His ex, we’ll call her “Sally,” has made no secret to third-party acquaintances that she thinks we’re mismatched and that she believes they’ll end up together. I find this undermining gossip offensive. My ex thinks it’s “funny.” They aren’t actively friendly — meaning, they don’t text or talk unless they run into each other, and when he sees her or when we run into her (it’s a small town after all), by all accounts and all I’ve seen and heard, he is simply friendly and civil.
The problem is his family. They adore Sally. She is still regularly invited to family events like birthdays and holiday parties. I know for a fact she drops by his mom’s pretty often and will stay for long visits. She and my boyfriend’s sister are very close and hang out socially. There have been times when she was explicitly invited to a family gathering and I was not. My boyfriend says that’s because my inclusion was “implied,” but I feel hurt all the same.
I get along with his family but have never been able to break through and feel truly close to them. I can’t help but feel blame toward her and the way everyone just lets her do her thing and be so present. At this point, isn’t it inappropriate? The few times I’ve brought it up to my partner, he says I’m overreacting. Meanwhile I wish he’d stand up for me. Thoughts?
Wanda says:
I see how this looks to you: Sally’s playing the long game, staying close to the literal mothership, sewing seeds of doubt with friends, and counting on your relationship’s erosion, at which point she’s waiting in the wings to swoop in and restore bliss.
ADVERTISEMENT
Here’s what you’re not seeing: your boyfriend loves you and doesn’t think this is a big deal. He keeps his distance from Sally, relatively, and shows no signs of interest in rekindling that connection. His family, while not overflowing with gushing hospitality, is at least respectful and kind toward you. And you yourself are in what sounds like a very solid relationship with a happy present and promising future.
I understand why Sally’s presence is unnerving. Sally is obviously going to do her thing. So do you, and focus on what you can control: your relationships with your boyfriend’s family. Take action to build up your relationships. Invite the sister out to a wine date. Take the mom out for coffee. Enlist your boyfriend for more frequent and casual excuses to swing by the house for visits. Invite friends of his along for date nights.
Wayne says:
Sure, Wanda, our friend could be a little more assertive in creating inroads with her potential in-laws. But the family has to try a lot harder at making her feel like, well, family, too. And the maybe-probably future husband needs to step his game up big time and take the lead.
Writer, please have this conversation with him ASAP: this is not a laughing matter because you, his partner, are not laughing. Don’t minimize my feelings and your family’s actions anymore. They literally invite Sally to family parties and ignore me, your serious, live-in girlfriend? And you’re cool with this? It’s no big deal to you? It is to me.
Sally must make one heck of a potato salad, am I right? But really, this doesn’t have much to do with her anymore. Sally’s going to Sally as long as the family lets her. And they can keep Sally around as long as they scale that connection back and ramp up involvement and commitment with the actual girlfriend, not the ex. If not, bitterness and divisiveness deepen, more feelings will get hurt, bridges might get burned, and then it’s nuclear from there. It’s all avoidable, of course, and your expectations are not unreasonable. Good luck.
"relationship" - Google News
May 07, 2023 at 08:09PM
https://ift.tt/akrQfvx
My partner's ex is still in his family's life and meddles in our relationship. I'm hurt by the situation but don't know what to do. - Anchorage Daily News
"relationship" - Google News
https://ift.tt/TtWasfc
https://ift.tt/FHqsobO
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "My partner's ex is still in his family's life and meddles in our relationship. I'm hurt by the situation but don't know what to do. - Anchorage Daily News"
Post a Comment