How curious are you about your partner, on a scale from 1 (I know everything about them) to 10 (I’m super interested to get to know this complex human being)?
What would be your partner’s score?
If your score is under 5, then don’t be disappointed, as marvel usually wanes in any marriage or long-term committed relationship.
After several years of partnership, couples tend to feel that they already know everything about each other, and some of the novelty and excitement in their connection is often lost. This may lead to boredom, stagnation, or an involvement with others outside of the relationship (also called affairs).
The first small step that can help you rejuvenate your relationship is:
“Tell me more…” (TMM)
TMM is a simple phrase that expresses curiosity and gives your partner the space to bring more of themselves to the encounter. TMM offers several immediate and long-term advantages:
- Balances airtime between partners. This is crucial if one partner tends to be more verbal or extraverted.
- Models active listening. By asking TMM, you are modeling the type of interest you would like.
- TMM is the antidote to stonewalling. For couples suffering from stonewalling and shutdown, TMM keeps the door open for more dialogue.
- Helps you grow. Since there’s usually a kernel of truth in your partner’s feedback, TMM invites much needed feedback, reflection, and perspective that can help you uncover new blind spots and evolve.
- Increases excitement, passion, and interest. Through TMM, you’ll get to discover new thoughts, feelings, dreams, passions, traumas, memories, and fantasies your partner probably never shared. Discovering new islands in your partner’s world inevitably increases vitality and interest and stimulates your bond.
- Lowers anger and eases fights. When partners are flooded, they tend to not listen, get defensive, and lash out. TMM helps slow down the dialogue, signals to your partner that you don’t just want to attack them but really want to connect. This will help reduce flooding and help both of you regulate.
When to use TMM
TMM is most effective in the following situations:
- When you are getting defensive and not letting your partner finish their sentences.
- When you are 100% sure you know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling.
- When the conversation is boring.
- When you feel your partner is very excited, emotional, or vulnerable.
- When you feel your partner is holding back, feeling silenced, or censoring themselves.
- When you notice you're taking over the conversation or taking up too much space in the dialogue.
- When your partner surprises you with a story or experience you have never heard before.
- When you are brainstorming or collaborating with your partner.
- When your partner is broadcasting live a new thought they have never verbalized before.
Three preconditions for TMM
In order for TMM to work, you must develop these three abilities first.
- Humility and curiosity
TMM requires that you not assume you know everything about your partner. You must practice humility to believe that your partner (like you) is a wonderfully complex, multidimensional, and ever-changing being. Humility leads to curiosity, which is one of the most precious traits marriages need in the long run. Curiosity is the cure for judgment and boredom, as it helps you lower your assumptions and projections on your partner, and helps you step into inquisitiveness. A good technique to increase curiosity is to turn exclamation points to question marks and then lean out and let your partner take up more space.
- Let it land
The point of TMM is to get to know your partner better. For that to happen, you need to let their words “land.” That means, you need to be consciously open to their input mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Whether it is constructive feedback, a compliment, a painful memory, or a childhood story, let their input go down into your gut, and let it simmer in your body. Our body is wiser than our mind, and if you let it land, you might reach a deeper felt sense of what was just said. As they communicate, take small breaths, break eye contact as needed, and ask for a time out if you need a couple of moments to fully digest what they say. You can read more about how to Let It Land here.
- Choose to believe that their pain is not your responsibility
After you have developed curiosity and let it land, what do you do with what you just heard? TMM leads you deeper into your partner’s world and feelings. Understand that their pain is their pain and your job is simply to listen and be touched by their words. If you find yourself becoming defensive, take a breath and hold on to yourself. Their pain is not your responsibility.
THE BASICS
You might think that three words can’t possible change a dynamic of a relationship. You are right. TMM won’t magically transform your relationship overnight. But TMM is the first important step into knowing your partner in order to boldly step toward the next evolution of your relationship.
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Three Words to Invigorate Your Relationship - Psychology Today
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