1. Where do I draw the line?
You may have your own personal threshold that, once crossed, means there’s no going back. But beyond that, Genesis Games, a psychotherapist at Healing Connections in Miami, suggests these “sub-questions.” If you answer “no” to any of them, it’s time to move on:
Do I feel safe to voice my thoughts and feelings in this relationship? If not, have I felt this way before? Can I imagine myself feeling that way again?
If trust is an issue, can it be rebuilt?
If my partner did not change a thing about themselves, could I be happy with them?
And here’s a bonus point-of-no-return question from certified relationship coach and host of the podcast Jillian on Love, Jillian Turecki:
If I knew we could get the right help, would that even matter to me?
If the answer is no, then put a fork in it: You’re done.
2. Is this a relationship issue or a roommate issue?
Yes, it’s frustrating when your other half leaves hair in the drain, pays the electric bill late, or forgets to take out the bins on trash day. But is it frustrating enough to dwarf all the reasons you love this person? “Couples should not be stuck on roommate issues,” says Games. “Come to some form of consensus on them—it doesn’t have to be perfect—and move on.” Align chores with your individual strengths, ask them to set up reminders on their phone for recurring tasks, or stick a Post-it on the mirror gently reminding them to wipe the basin. Set them up for success, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
As for the big stuff, what Games calls “multi-layered topics that are nuanced”—religion, politics, money, family boundaries, communication, raising children—those fall into the category of relationship issues. These “are more profound and usually don’t have a resolution, ” she says. “Our energy should be focused on understanding our relational issues and figuring out how to navigate these in the best way possible for all parties included. A lot of times, couples focus on roommate problems to avoid relational problems.”
3. Have I asked for what I need?
Turecki offers this question with an intriguing part two: “Have I asked for what I need—or have I been resentful?” Too often, we expect our partner to read our minds or intuit what we crave, whether that’s a break from cooking every night or a sympathetic ear. Feeling hurt that our unspoken need isn’t met, we then focus on their failure to please us, rather than what it is we actually want to happen. We reframe the situation as their character flaw, rather than our lack of communication, and resentment blooms.
To counteract that tendency, John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, in their book The Love Prescription, recommend that we train ourselves to spell out what we need by describing our feelings, the situation, and what we’d like to happen—rather than saying anything about our partner. Instead of “You’re so selfish; I’m the one who does all the work around here,” one could say, “I’m feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I’d love to cross making dinner off my list a few nights a week. Do you think you could cook or order in for us Tuesdays and Thursdays?”
Making the issue about what you want rather than what’s wrong with them is key. In a study of newlywed couples who were monitored over the course of six years, John Gottman found that he and his research partner, Sybil Carrere, could predict whether a couple would divorce or not with 96 percent accuracy, based on the first three minutes of conversation they had during a conflict: The ones who ended up dissolving their partnerships introduced issues with global, negative statements like “You always,” “You never” or “You’re so.”
Once you explain what you want, your partner has a chance to please you, you get the opportunity to be grateful, and a cycle of positive feelings starts. If you find that your partner refuses to meet your spoken needs again and again, then you’ve got a decision to make—but at least you know that you’re dealing with someone who has chosen to ignore your desires, rather than a partner whose only real crime is not being telepathic.
4. Am I rooting for the relationship or for myself?
It’s human nature to want the last word. But if you live by that philosophy, that final word might be goodbye. “When we’re in a disagreement, we often go into sort of a lawyer mode,” says social psychologist Richard Slatcher, director of the Close Relationships Lab at the University of Georgia. “You never want to do that in a relationship. You want the relationship to win, not for you to win—to come to a resolution where both of you feel satisfied with the outcome.”
Try to give your partner the same benefit of the doubt you’d give a stranger on the street who bumped into you—that they might be clumsy or distracted, but they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt you. “Ask yourself, Am I polite with this person? Am I kind to them?” suggests Slatcher. Yes, they are the person we trust to see us at our worst, but “we really should be treating our partners better than anybody else, or at least striving to,” he says.
As you’re putting the relationship first, be open to acknowledging when they are, too. What feels to you like an attack or criticism—“I’d like us to spend more time staring at each other than at our phones”—may actually be an insight that can leave the relationship stronger if you hear and respond to it.
5. Do I really, really, really want to make it work?
This is a question both you and your partner need to be answering with a resounding yes. “If one of you doesn’t,” says Slatcher, “it’s going to be fruitless no matter what you do.” Or, as Sharon Salzberg, a Buddhist teacher and author of the upcoming Real Life: The Journey from Isolation to Openness and Freedom, puts it, the most crucial question is to “ask yourself if you want to have these kinds of conversations anymore. Am I willing to continue putting in the effort and intention to grow with this person?” Once you’ve established that you both have the desire to fix things, then it’s a matter of finding the right tools to do so—starting with the other questions above.
6. Have I done everything I can?
“Everything,” in Slatcher’s view, includes trying to figure out if there’s an external root cause to the deterioration of the relationship—say, terrible work stress. “One might need the guiding hand of a therapist to figure that out,” he adds. Ask yourself, If, at one point, I was deeply in love with this person and wanted to be with them, have I done everything to try to figure out what it is that’s changed, and why?
What happens if you’ve identified problems both external and internal, sought solutions, worked on your communication, proceeded with kindness, put the relationship first, sought therapy, and it’s still not working? “If, at the end of the day, you really feel that you’ve given it your best effort,” says Slatcher, “then you can feel good about ending your relationship.”
"relationship" - Google News
January 23, 2023 at 08:03PM
https://ift.tt/z0mXsGy
Thinking of a Breakup? Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ending a Relationship - Oprah Mag
"relationship" - Google News
https://ift.tt/PTem2N9
https://ift.tt/zZXu0Sw
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "Thinking of a Breakup? Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ending a Relationship - Oprah Mag"
Post a Comment