Spoiler Alert! I will be discussing examples and plots. If you haven't seen The Empress you may want to watch it first and read this after.
At First Opposites Attract
The Empress, released on Netflix in September 2022, details the early relationship of Elisabeth (Devrim Lingnau) and Franz (Philip Froissant). It is also a great example of how the very qualities we are first drawn to in a partner can become the qualities we want to change.
Quite often, the traits we find attractive in romantic partners are those that we lack, and thus a relationship with this person would provide balance.
For example, perhaps you're extraverted and you find yourself attracted to a quieter partner. They let you have the social spotlight so that you can chat to your heart's content and provide a nice counterbalance to your social energy. Plus, they love that you're willing to do the heavy lifting with small talk.
Seems perfect, doesn't it?
And it is, except that the differences that first draw us to our partners can easily become points of contention. The balance can quickly turn to discord.
It was nice to have all the airtime at first, but maybe you start getting annoyed that your partner doesn't speak more. You wish they'd join conversations and not just stand there.
Then Opposites Repel
This very dynamic unfolds during the first season of The Empress.
Franz is captivated by Elisabeth's unfiltered authenticity and impulsivity. She savors life, following her desires without worrying about decorum. He tells her that he needs someone like her in his life, someone who can make him feel alive and unburdened, as he did before becoming emperor. When she challenges him with the idea that he doesn't know her, he describes her: "You tell the truth when no one else will. And you don't see things like the others. I need someone like you."
That is a truly lovely sentiment. The only problem is that her vivacious lust for life is not a quality an empress should embody. And Franz knows this, having been encumbered with the sober duty that comes with leadership.
While Franz loved her spiritedness, this very trait becomes the main reason for conflict in their marriage. She doesn't follow the rules and causes confusion (or even outright chaos) as a result. Suddenly the reason that he fell in love with her becomes something he needs her to change.
You Can't Change Your Partner
Sometimes our partners change, and sometimes they even change for us, but it must be their own doing. You cannot force your partner to change, and that’s especially true if it's changing a part of themselves that they love or is connected to their core values.
Franz doesn't directly try to change Elisabeth, at least not at first, but he allows others to do so. His mother and her minions are on a mission to turn Elisabeth into their idea of an empress. They work in unison to make her bend and when that doesn't work, they attempt to break her. This sounds dramatic, but Franz's mother uses these exact words after first meeting Elisabeth: "If something won't bend, it must be broken."
Elisabeth's lively qualities become liabilities in their marriage, even though it was these very qualities that Franz loved so much at first. Instead of accepting her for who she is, Franz agrees that Elisabeth needs to give up some freedoms as Empress of Austria.
The Assessment: Love Them
All relationships go through hard times, and it's no surprise that Elisabeth and Franz face turmoil as newlyweds. They had, after all, only met once before getting engaged. They had a lot to learn about each other. That, coupled with the tumultuous political and economic situation of the time was a recipe for stress.
However, both Franz and Elisabeth seem invested in the marriage and show a willingness to work on the relationship. They might not have handled all the challenges with the most understanding or flexibility, but they're young and they're stressed, and they have time to learn how to be more empathetic and make compromises.
This marriage has a foundation of genuine affection, shared values, and similar goals. It’s a solid start, and with better communication and more understanding, their marriage can reach a place of stability without them having to change who they are.
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October 25, 2022 at 08:08PM
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Lessons From Elisabeth and Franz's Relationship in "The Empress" - Psychology Today
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