When my husband and I were a young couple years ago, we had some pretty bad behavior. Let me rephrase that — I had some pretty bad behavior. When I would get upset, I would let it rip and express every emotion known to humankind.
My husband, getting his hair blown back with my barrage of emotions, would scratch his head, wondering what to do next. He grew up in a family who did not readily express their feelings, and his idea of an argument meant it was time to break up. So he would start packing his things to make a quick exit, and I’d say, ”Where are you going? We’re not breaking up. Oh, heck no, we’ve got to sort this out!”
Somehow, we made it through those early years and figured out some better ways to deal with our difficulties. No wonder his hair turned gray at 40. (Sorry, honey!)
Window of Tolerance
Since the early days of our relationship, I have learned about a concept called “the window of tolerance.” First developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, MD, the metaphorical window of tolerance describes the optimal arousal zone for functioning in everyday life.
When you are “inside” the window of tolerance (WOT), you can access your emotional and mental faculties. It is when you feel calm enough to talk and be relational. Inside the WOT, you have access to your emotional-feeling brain and your logical-thinking brain. It is a state of integration. When people are outside of the “window,” they might be in fight/flight or freeze.
Stay in the window to talk
It is super helpful when a couple understands the necessity of being inside the WOT to have a good discussion. This way, they can shift from becoming adversarial to working together to stay inside the window of tolerance. Nothing good is going to happen outside the window. Outside the WOT, in a state of hyperarousal is when people say mean things that they later regret. It can be a time of escalating tempers when safety may be of concern.
When you are inside the window of tolerance, your partner may not be. Even if you think they “should” be inside the window, this may not be the case. Everyone has a different nervous system, differing comfort levels, and varying histories, sometimes including trauma. Some people have a narrow window of tolerance, and they can pop out before they know it. If your partner tells you that they need to calm down before talking further, believe them. You can come back to the conversation when everyone is back inside the window.
How you talk is as important as what you say
You can pay attention to the “how” of a conversation when inside the WOT, not just the “what.” How you are engaging is critical for resolving differences and making a repair. It certainly helped in my relationship. Successful discussions depend on how you interact as well as what you are discussing. Even if it is a mundane topic, such as who forgot to pick up coffee, how you have the discussion will make all the difference.
How to do the how
Focusing on how you are having your discussions will help you stay in the window of tolerance. Here are some ideas to think about for starters. What else would you add to the list that will make the difference in your relationship?
– Check, are we both in the window? Yes, OK, go ahead and talk
-Avoid criticism, defensiveness, sarcasm and hostility
– Track whose turn it is to talk and whose turn it is to listen
-Check, are we both still in the window? Yes, cool!
-Don’t talk about yourself when it is your turn to listen to your partner
-Check, are we both STILL in the window? Yes, whew, keep going!
-Let your partner know you understand their experience even though it is different than yours
If one of you is outside of the window of tolerance, stop the conversation and come back to the topic later. Remember, if you’re outside of the WOT, it will likely become a BFD. (I was thinking, Bidirectional Forwarding Detection, what were you thinking?)
If you stay in the positive relationship window, you can tackle any topic, hear the feelings, and get through the challenges. Focusing on how you show up in your relationship will make you proud of yourself and a great partner for the ages.
Meg Luce, M.S., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Grass Valley specializing in helping couples create satisfying relationships. You can find her contact info at https://NevadaCountyTherapist.com
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