By now, it's likely that you've finished watching (or should I say bingeing?) Netflix's latest dating show: The Ultimatum. If not, let me briefly recap: this "social experiment" asks one half of couples who are being torn apart by differing life goals – generally opposed views on marriage or children – to deliver an ultimatum to their significant other. From there, they enter into a dating microcosm where they shop around for an alternative partner from a pool of individuals all with similar relationship struggles. Then they enter into a "trial marriage" with their fave person from the bunch, before the original couples reunite and go on to test out a similar trial marriage themselves.
So yeah, there's a lot going on. Understandably, even after watching the show (or skimming the series while scrolling on their phone) viewers have some unanswered questions, top of the bill being: which couples are actually still together? (*Spoiler* not many.) And then, there's the question which kind of underpins the whole show: do ultimatums even work in a relationship crisis? If you serve one on your partner who's hesitant about a major life decision, like having kids or moving in, are you ever actually going to get the outcome you crave or is it just a shortcut to heartbreak? To find out, we called up Rachel Ramezani from dating app Badoo for a few answers...
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Okay, let's start at the beginning: what even is an ultimatum?
With all this talk of ultimatums it can be easy to overlook what this phrase is even supposed to mean: here's what you need to know. In simple terms, an ultimatum is a demand which, if not accepted, will lead to one party walking away from the relationship for good. For example; "If you don't move in with me by the end of September, I am going to break up with you."
Basically, if you are at a crossroads in the relationship and have differing goals and wants which are not being worked through or properly discussed, an ultimatum could be a way of forcing the issue to a head. But that's not to say it is a healthy option or even an effective one...
So, do ultimatums ever actually work?
You might remember that The Ultimatum itself questions the effectiveness of ultimatums in its very first episode, with presenter Nick Lachey even saying: “psychologists agree that an ultimatum is not a good way to get somebody else to do what you want”.
Badoo's Rachel Ramezani echoes this statement, explaining: "Giving someone an ultimatum can be a dangerous thing to do, particularly if the options are either get married, or break up. It’s not abnormal for two people to simply have different ideals as to when they want to progress their relationship to the next step. Plus, not wanting to marry someone doesn’t signify a lack of feelings, or that they wouldn’t want to get married in the future but can simply be a matter of timing or personal preference."
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And then there's the glaring issue with ultimatums: that it can lead you to jeopardise a relationship that is important to you. "Giving someone an ultimatum may mean you risk losing someone who you have a great connection with, so instead of taking this risk and thinking it’s ‘my way or the highway’, try to just be honest and open with your partner, and discuss these important milestones together so that you can reach a compromise, and both feel happy and comfortable with the outcome."
It's always important to be upfront and honest about what you want, but an ultimatum is less likely to be read as letting your feelings be heard and is more likely to be seen as an attempt to force the other person's hand. "Issuing an ultimatum may seem like you are not willing to talk about [relationship struggles], or work on any other option, which puts a lot of pressure on the other person, and the relationship itself," explains Rachel. "Do you really want to force somebody to get married when they’re not ready? It’s not a great start to a lifelong commitment, and could cause problems between you that were never there in the first place."
Why do people give their partners ultimatums?
But if most of us, on some level, know that issuing an ultimatum isn't going to solve our relationship struggles, why do people still continue to do it? According to Rachel, ultimatums are a measure people reach for when they have truly reached the end of their tether. "There are many reasons people might give someone an ultimatum, but in most cases, it’s a last resort," she explains. "It may be that someone simply can’t continue their relationship the way it is: whether it’s because of a big thing like moving to a new city, or something small like emptying the dishwasher. In the case of marriage, it may be that someone really, really wants to be married, and it’s so important to them that it’s a deal breaker in a relationship."
When you have certain goals, standards and values that your partner doesn't seem to share, it can be important to discuss what these are and why – rather than jumping in with threats to leave the relationship. "Instead of giving someone an ultimatum, and deciding their future for them, it’s better to explain how important marriage [or other life goals are] to you, and that if it’s not something your partner wants to do, then you’ll have to make a difficult decision," says Rachel.
Ultimately, Rachel argues, it's better to understand that you and your partner's wants aren't aligning and to amicably leave the relationship without threats or putting pressure on the other person. "This won’t be an easy conversation nor decision to make, but down the line, you’ll both be better off. Whilst it’s always a shame when a relationship ends, if it’s because two people ultimately want different things, then it’s better to end it sooner rather than later," she says. "Giving an ultimatum may just be a bad sign of things to come."
What should you do if you're on the receiving end of an ultimatum?
But what if the tables are turned and you are on the receiving end of a relationship ultimatum? How do you cope with a partner telling you that if you don't commit or change their ways, you'll be broken up with?
To cope with the feelings of confusion you might likely feel, Rachel suggests that you take stock of what is being asked of you. "If your partner has given you an ultimatum, firstly ask yourself, is it something small and is it the first time they’ve given you an ultimatum, or, is it something big, and have they done this before?"
According to Rachel, if it's a small or manageable issue in the relationship that is being challenged by an ultimatum, you might want to find ways to compromise and work through it. "It may be that there’s something you’re doing that’s upsetting your partner. For example, it may be that you’re not a great texter, and this is frustrating for them, and they end up saying something like, 'I can’t be with you if you never reply to my messages,'" explains Rachel. "If the situation is something like this, it’s important to talk to your partner about it and work out a way in which you can both be happy. Often this is about meeting in the middle, which is an important factor of being in a relationship."
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But, on the flipside, if your partner is trying to use an ultimatum to force you into a big decision, you may want to take a step back. "If it’s something more serious, such as marriage, and you’re not ready to get married, the last thing you want to do is simply get married to stay with them. Particularly if you actively don’t want to get married," says Rachel. "Marriage is obviously a huge deal, and it’s not healthy to do something so big under someone else's control. It’ll always be a part of your marriage, too the fact that you didn’t actually want it at first. So, if you’re given an ultimatum this big, don’t go through with it if any part of you is saying no. Relationships are about compromise and meeting both of your needs: it should never be one sided."
So, there you have it...
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