If you’re tuned in to all things reality TV, odds are you’ve seen the word "ultimatum" thrown around a lot lately. Why? The new Netflix series The Ultimatum, of course, which follows contestants who (among other things) have been asked by their respective partners to "marry or move on." In short, each couple is on the brink of making a difficult, black and white choice: an ultimatum.
But here’s the thing—while watching people squirm when given ultimatums on TV can be entertaining, do ultimatums really *work* in IRL relationships? Can a healthy marriage begin with an ultimatum? (Host Vanessa Lachey claims that, indeed, it can.) Or perhaps you’re wondering this: What even is an ultimatum, and how is it different from setting clear expectations and boundaries for what you want in a relationship?
For starters, know that you shouldn’t jump into an ultimatum if you can help it. (Even if you’re inspired by reality TV, hah.) "Ultimatums typically involve a threat toward someone who does not follow through with a request," explains Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Honolulu.
"It usually focuses on someone else's behavior versus one's own behavior," she explains. In addition, ultimatums are typically used as a last resort, or when people have felt they're exhausted all other options of reasoning.
If you’re still yearning for more info on ultimatums, here's everything you need to know, including when they might be harmful, helpful, manipulative, and more, according to relationship experts.
What is an ultimatum, exactly?
"Ultimatums are a take it or leave it approach," says AASECT-certified sex and relationship therapist Debra Laino, PhD. "The energy behind an ultimatum is usually aggressive or threatening. It’s a hardcore demand that somebody do something—or else." Got that down?
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Oftentimes, ultimatums can be an attempt to control another person, forcing them into making a decision that doesn’t align with their actual desires or beliefs. "There’s not a lot of room for choice when it comes to ultimatums," says AASECT-certified sex and relationships therapist and director of The Intimacy Institute, Jenni Skyler, PhD.
Need examples? An ultimatum can look like any of the following:
- Telling your partner that you want to get married and if they don’t agree to do so, you will leave them.
- Demanding that your partner stop being friends with or cut off someone you don’t like or you will end the relationship.
- Saying your partner needs to make a decision about your relationship by a certain time or else you will leave indefinitely.
- Asserting that your partner must get a job or you will no longer want to date them.
And so much more... Basically, "it’s not a request. It’s more dire and dramatic than that," Skyler says. "Behind every demand is a threat that you will leave the relationship." (Which, ICYMI, is not always necessary or healthy. But more on that later.)
How does giving an ultimatum differ from having standards or setting boundaries?
"Boundaries are healthy and necessary in relationships," says Brito. Ultimatums, however, are not. "There is a different energy to boundaries," Laino adds.
When it comes to ultimatums, "they’re more about personal power," explains Skyler. "It doesn’t come from this place of control and anger. It comes more from 'This is who I am and you can be who you are, but if you cross this, it is going to affect me and how I live my life in a negative way.'"
Think of it this way, Skyler says:
- Ultimatum: "You must get a job or I will leave."
- Boundary: "I really need you to get a job so that we can jointly support our family. I need you to think about that because if my need isn’t met, I’m going to have to make a hard decision as to whether or not I can stay or go."
Basically, it’s all about context, messaging, and tone. A boundary is something that has more to do with you rather than exerting some form of control over the other person in the relationship, Skyler explains.
How can an ultimatum harm a relationship, and are they manipulative?
Yes, ultimatums can actually be very harmful for a relationship, says Laino. "If somebody is using an ultimatum to gain power over somebody else, it inherently controls them, and it is absolutely manipulative," she explains.
The person giving the ultimatum is essentially asserting the idea that if their partner does not agree to their parameters, they will leave. There is no room for choice, which can cause distress and actually make existing problems in a relationship worse.
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In this way, ultimatums can be very manipulative. "Instead of giving an ultimatum, you could establish a boundary the way I described," Skyler says. "The person giving an ultimatum, however, is usually scared and trying to obtain more control, which isn’t the goal of boundaries." Noted.
Can ultimatums ever be healthy for a relationship?
An ultimatum can be helpful "if giving ultimatums regularly is not a pattern in your relationship," Brito says. (TL;DR: If you’re not giving your partner an ultimatum every time they do something you don’t like, then your ultimatum will probably carry more weight.)
For example, perhaps you tell your partner that you feel afraid when they don't return home after a night of drinking, Brito says. As a result, you might communicate that you need them to come home at night to feel safe. If your partner ignores this boundary, then you may resort to setting ultimatums, Brito says, such as telling them you will leave the relationship if they continue to go out drinking without returning home.
In short, sometimes having solid boundaries and clear communication, while necessary, can actually lead you to needing to give an ultimatum. This is usually a last resort, one final chance for a partner to change their behavior before you prioritize your needs over your partner’s incompatible behaviors and leave.
Does giving an ultimatum work long-term?
In short, no. If you are expecting someone to change or make an adjustment in the relationship based off an ultimatum alone, it’s pretty unlikely that it will result in long-term change.
Why, though? "You’re forcing them to acquiescence without them actually choosing it," Skyler says. "When people do that, they white-knuckle their way through the request."
That isn’t the way to make sustainable developments toward a healthier relationship where both people's needs are heard. Eventually, if given an ultimatum, a partner is more likely to break that promise to you because they were manipulated into doing so in the first place.
For example, perhaps you tell your partner that if they "ever watch porn again, you will break up with them," Skyler says. They may go a few weeks or months without porn, but it’s possible they will return to it eventually. "The rebel in all of us goes 'forget that,' especially because the person receiving the ultimatum never had a choice," says Skyler.
Can a healthy marriage begin with an ultimatum?
In short, if you’re trying to start off your marriage with an ultimatum, it's probably not the best move, Laino says.
"You’re forcing someone to make a decision when they’re not ready, or you’re forcing them to make a choice that they don’t want," explains Laino, all of which can ultimately make a marriage pretty unhappy in the long run.
"I would view it as a sign for problems to come," she adds, since couples might harbor resentment over the ultimatum or realize that their values aren’t truly as aligned as they once thought.
"It’s not a choice. It’s fear, not free will," Skyler says. Basically, no matter how cinematic an ultimatum might seem when depicted on-screen, it’s not a feasible way to start a healthy relationship—and giving in to an ultimatum might even signal the beginning of an onslaught of new problems, rather than the end of conflict.
What can you do instead of giving an ultimatum?
While an ultimatum might feel like your only option when hitting a relationship road bump, there are better ways to express your needs and boundaries than in such final terms. The following are some example scenarios for communicating with your partner about what you need from the relationship, according to Skyler and Laino.
- Instead of "marry me or I’m leaving," try: "I really need to feel the commitment of marriage to be happy. If you can’t provide that, that’s okay, but then I need to make a hard decision."
- Instead of "get a job or I’m packing my things," try: "I would love for both of us to be able to play a role in financially supporting this family. If you’re not up for that, I’ll need to reevaluate my personal situation."
- Instead of "I want an open relationship or I’m out of here," try: "For me, novelty is very important to my happiness, and I would love to try experimenting with the boundaries of our relationship. When you’re ready, it would be great to have a discussion about your comfort levels with opening up our coupledom."
- Instead of "move to the city I live in or we’re over," try: "I have a need to be in close proximity to the person I’m dating. For this reason, I would love for you to consider moving to my city so that we can be near each other. If not, I will need to consider whether I’m truly comfortable in this relationship."
Bottom Line: Ultimatums can be tricky, manipulative, and messy. While they might make for entertaining reality TV, it's best to leave them out of your real-life relationship.
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