DEAR HARRIETTE: I lost my wife back in 2015 and became a single father of three. I’ve had help from family and friends as I navigate fatherhood without my wife. I became closer than expected with one of those friends — to the point of intimacy — with the understanding that I did not want a relationship with her. When I mentioned I’d like to start dating other people, she became angry. I feel indebted to her because she has been a huge help to me, but I just don’t see a future with her. What should I do? — Feeling Obligated
DEAR FEELING OBLIGATED: You are facing the tricky part about intimacy. While you did say you did not want a relationship with this woman, you had one with her anyway. You are friends. She has helped you through a very difficult period in your life — probably the most challenging to date. It doesn’t really matter what you said. What you did was to become intimately involved with her. Now that you are feeling healed, your interest in her has run its course.
Her feelings are hurt. She feels used and discarded. You have to deal with her before you can move on. Talk with her about where you are. Thank her for all she has done for you and your family. Apologize for leading her on with your actions even as your words said otherwise.
Tell her that you know it is time for you to make some changes, and that includes no longer being in an intimate relationship with her. End it, even if that means you stop being friends for a while. But wait before you start dating anyone. Give it some space out of respect for the bond you two had. When things calm down, open the door to dating.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I tagged along on a birthday trip with my boyfriend and his friend group this weekend. His group of friends consists of four men and their girlfriends. The girls all kind of knew each other, so I was definitely the outsider in the group. Nobody really made me feel welcome. I stayed to myself all weekend and spoke only to my boyfriend.
This morning, the men shared in the group chat that the other girls would prefer it if I didn’t tag along in the future. My feelings are extremely hurt. I don’t know any of these girls, and I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. What can I do? — Alienated
DEAR ALIENATED: Unfortunately, none of you worked to break through the discomfort to establish a rapport. You say these girls were unwelcoming, and you retreated. It’s natural that they wouldn’t want you to come back.
You have to decide if you want to be with them again. If so, start with your boyfriend advocating for you. Ask him to talk to the guys and let them know that you felt left out. Make it clear that if the group plans to spend time together in the future as couples, he intends to bring you. Have him suggest that the girls include you in their activities and help you feel more comfortable.
In turn, you need to put yourself out there. Push past their behavior and attempt to participate with a positive attitude. If the guys all agree that you need to be included, chances are, the women will try a little harder.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
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