One of the most common questions we get asked is, “What am I supposed to do when I want to work on the relationship but my partner doesn’t, can’t, or won’t?”
It's one of the toughest positions to be in, when you think the relationship has potential, when you’ve tried everything you can think of, when you've tried so hard to communicate, when hope is fading but not yet dead – and you don’t know how or if it makes sense to move forward.
When one person sees that the relationship is faltering, and the other cannot acknowledge it, or says they want to work on the relationship but then doesn’t follow through, it can drive us “crazy," However, by learning to "make your crazy work for you" (Borg, Brenner & Berry, 2022) we can unlock new ways of dealing with difficult relationships.
Self-Irrelationship
A hallmark of relationships like this ("irrelationships," in which we use dysfunctional relationships to hide from intimacy) is that we usually aren't sure if the relationship is worth saving. This usually means the decision to break up is premature and likely to backfire if hastily made—and most people who come to us feel pressure to decide. It's a way to get away from the pain and confusion of isolation, and often the reminders of past relationship experiences. Many times, part of the problem is coming from within: unfinished business. This is not to blame, but to recognize and make needed positive changes, to see the benefits of personal reflection and growth when relationship problems seem dominant.
We look to the relationship we have with ourselves – for support, for answers, for solutions. How is our self-relationship serving us, and how might we be caught in self-irrelationship, consciously trying to meet our needs while perhaps unconsciously undermining our own efforts?
Dreaming a Different Future
How do we put the brakes on this process, and point the ship in a better direction? We use the DREAM Sequence – Discover, Repair, Empowerment, Alternatives, Mutuality – to work toward greater self-mutuality, with more effective self-talk, a kind and compassionate attitude toward oneself, and catalyzing constructive shifts in how we think about interpersonal problems.
Discovery. Any serious change begins with recognition and realization – realization that there is a deeper layer to the problem than on the surface, and recognition of oneself in new ways, within the same old song-and-dance routines. This often means discovering deep feelings of hurt, loneliness, and distress, as well as hidden wellsprings of joy, creativity, passion, and self-love. Rather than avoiding, panicking, or self-medicating, the goal is to learn to be present with these experiences, nurturing rather than undermining our own developmental needs.
Repair. When we aren't shoulder-to-shoulder with our romantic partners the way we think we should be, we tend to feel not only alone, but bitter, resentful, and frustrated, stuck on what is "right" rather than what is useful and needed in a state of distressed confusion or inner deadness. It’s easy to imagine breaking up to get rid of these feelings. Ordinarily, we’d want to get support from that same loved one – leaving us in a bind as to how to get emotional needs met.
Self-compassion is crucial to avoid the trap of hostility toward oneself (e.g. being self-critical for getting into “another bad relationship”) or blaming others. Repair means having a better understanding of the conflicted and complicated ways that we come to know, accept, care for, and love ourselves and each other in close relationships.
Empowerment. Being present and self-compassionate when we feel abandoned by romantic partners in our time of greatest need presents a solid but slippery chance to gauge our inner states and consider better decision-making strategies. Rather than getting trapped in distressed decision-making stemming from fight-or-flight paralysis, or trying to appease the other person to fix things ASAP, when we are still, and when we listen deeply to ourselves, we encounter an ocean of possibility. By buffering anxiety and dread, realizing that the first few ideas we have aren’t usually the ones which will actually work, we become far more capable and begin to believe in our own capacity to do new things.
Alternatives. It’s peculiar perhaps, but true: What we believe we have control over actually impacts what we are capable of doing, through what we are able to envision and belief about our own self-efficacy. For example, belief in free will is associated with a greater sense of control and better outcomes. There are many ways to deal with a partner who isn’t on the same page. Rational responses directed toward the other person or the relationship may not work, or may not work soon enough for how we feel: For example, trying to be more collaborative, speaking and listening more constructively, pursuing couples therapy, trying to do what the other person says they need or want, and so on. When we can’t change the situation, we can turn to ourselves to develop untapped resources.
Mutuality. When we move toward self-mutuality, when we work on that closest of relationships (the one with ourselves), we are increasingly capable of sitting with the totality of who we really are – the good, the bad and the seemingly unacceptable. Curiously, when we compassionately interrogate the loneliness within ourselves, the pain of isolation fades because we are now with ourselves rather than being in flight. We are not alone, in solitude.
Stillness
We’ve found that when people slow down, address their own emotional health, and put breaking up in the parking lot, over time relationship problems tend to work themselves out less painfully, as personal growth takes center stage without being selfish. Either the current relationship starts to get unstuck, or we move on, better equipped for the next one with a more attuned inner compass.
If you are feeling alone in a relationship which isn’t working, if relationships tend to follow a repetitive and disappointing pattern, if you’ve tried everything to get through to the other person, shift to a bird’s eye view. If we misperceive contributions to the status quo, we’re likely to keep repeating, like breaking up and getting back together over and over, threatening to leave and then staying, and so on. If we blame ourselves or are too judgmental when we do understand ourselves, this also leads to painful repetition.
Through finding that personal alchemy where we free ourselves up on the inside, rather than focusing on the other person or external factors we can’t really influence, surprising changes begin to happen. A person’s most intimate relationship is with oneself. When this relationship is in good shape, the others tend to fall into place. Why not be crazy about ourselves, and create that virtuous cycle wherein self-relationship and relationships with others are most fruitful and rewarding?
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What to Do When Your Partner Won't Work on Your Relationship - Psychology Today
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