CHAMPAIGN — Has pandemic-related stress turned you and your spouse into the Bickersons?
All that added stress from COVID-19 can take a toll on a relationship, and some couples were already under stress before the pandemic began, said Allen Barton, a University of Illinois human development and family studies professor who is heading a new project called Illinois Strong Couples.
“It’s very easy to drift in relationships,” he said. “There can be a big event when a blow-up happens, but there was momentum leading to that.”
Barton said Illinois Strong Couples, a free relationship-strengthening program, can help couples weather the COVID-19 storm and be prepared to better handle future relationship stressors.
It includes six online lessons couples can do at their own pace, in their own home, and five video conferences with trained coaches to lend support, review the materials and do some practice on what’s been discussed.
This isn’t personalized marriage counseling, mind you. It’s not therapy at all, Barton said.
It’s an educational program dealing with issues all couples face, regardless of age and what stage the relationship is in — whether it be young adults contemplating marriage, older couples with children or empty nesters suddenly wondering if the marriage is worth continuing, he said.
Illinois Strong Couples uses a studied and science-based marriage-strengthening program in an online form called ePREP.
Stress in general is bad for relationships, Barton said. And the pandemic has piled on more stress from such things as financial problems, educating the children at home, working from home and loss of social connections.
Those external stressors can lead to internal stress on a relationship — for example, things said that are later regretted and ways of interacting that add strain and don’t promote feelings of safety within the relationship, he said.
Illinois Strong Couples focuses on physical safety, emotional safety (knowing you are loved for yourself) and commitment safety, the knowledge that you’re in it together and have a future, Barton said.
“Often when things start to get hard in a marriage, it becomes easier to view your partner more as an opponent, not your teammate,” he said.
The program’s aim, Barton said, is for couples to view themselves as a team.
“It helps both of you become a better teammate,” he said.
Barton said he’s well aware there are going to be couples in which one person is less interested in trying this program than the other.
“But once partners go through the program, they start to see value in it,” he said.
Keep in mind, many couples wind up turning to therapy only after the relationship is in bad shape and lacking feelings of safety and connection, Barton said.
He views a relationship education program like Illinois Strong Couples as a low investment for a potentially high return.
For anyone signing up, be prepared to invest some effort.
“We are teaching proven things that apply to relationships, and it’s the couple’s job to take that and run with it,” he said.
And, just as in parenting, results aren’t immediate.
“Over time you can grow apart, and over time you can gradually start to connect again,” Barton said.
To be eligible to take part in this project, couples must be at least age 18, Illinois residents and married, engaged or living together for more than six months.
The first 200 couples signing up can earn $150 in Amazon gift cards in exchange for completing surveys intended to help researchers understand the effect of the program on relationships and personal well-being, according to the UI.
For information about signing up: go.illinois.edu/IllinoisStrongCouples.
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October 29, 2020 at 07:00PM
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