Exiting an abusive relationship is tough, but what can be nearly as difficult is accepting a genuine and healthy relationship after the prior emotional fallout.
"No one prepares you for how triggering green flags become after an abusive relationship," AR Schilling, who'd prefer to keep her full identity hidden, told Newsweek.
Schilling goes by @redlead3r on TikTok where she creates content about books, family life, and relationships for her large digital audience of over 570,000 followers. She also writes science fiction novels.
In one of her last videos of 2023, she elaborated on the often silent struggle that domestic abuse survivors come up against when entering healthy relationships.
"Do you know what my husband said to me yesterday?" Schilling opened up in the post.
"He came up to bed and lays down next to me and I've got a show on, and he just lays down and watches it, he doesn't say anything. So, I stopped and I'm like is everything okay? He says 'yeah, why wouldn't it be'. I feel like something's up. Something has to be up."
"So, I look at him and [asked] 'are we okay? Am I doing something wrong? He [looks up and says] 'this is it. This is happiness. I know you haven't felt this in a relationship before, this calm and quiet, but there's nothing else going on. This is it, this is what it feels like to be happy'. Happy," she continued.
Newsweek spoke with Schilling about her motivation to create the social media video, and why she thinks that people who have worked hard to heal from trauma can still struggle to grow accustomed to the serenity of healthy relationships following past abuse.
"I just [wanted to] share a glimpse of what thousands of people are going through. No one prepares you for how triggering green flags become after an abusive relationship. Once that fight or flight switch is flipped, it's incredibly hard to turn it off," Schilling told Newsweek.
"However, it's not impossible, and that's something that I am learning with my husband now. I'd be lying if I said that the journey wasn't terrifying. It's terrifying because it's freeing, and [I] never knew love could be free."
"[Now] I live a quiet life on the beach with my husband, kids and our two dogs. Aside from writing science fiction fantasy books, and studying for school, my life is very simple. It's a welcome change of pace compared to the one I lived before," she added.
What Do the Comments Say?
Since it was shared to the social media platform on December 21 by @redlead3r, the TikTok post has been viewed more than 4.6 million times and liked by more than 298,000 users.
"The absence of drama can be startling," one user wrote.
Another user added: "Remember the 1st time I told my wife that I was content with her. She thought I meant settling. I meant I wanted for nothing, I was finally happy."
"I had that with my late wife," shared a third user.
The TikTok post can be seen here.
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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