Desire, what an intoxicating drug. More potent than any class As, more overwhelming than any hallucinogens. It’s a want, a need, a yearning for someone or something that can consume your thoughts, energy, and sometimes your life. At the beginning of any relationship, desire is the fuel that propels two people toward each other, and it can be an explosive experience. So, it’s no wonder that once we’ve experienced it, we want to chase that high again and again. But, as with all things that burn so intensely, that light can sometimes wane or go out entirely.
It’s a familiar tale; a couple meets, and at the beginning they’re permanently naked – unable to keep their hands off each other, their desire simply cannot be satiated, and when they’re not together their thoughts are consumed by one another. Imagination fuels this electric period as you fantasise about the gaps in the other person’s personality. You’re both on your A-game, you bring your best self to every date, you wear the good underwear, the uncomfortable but hot outfits, you wax and preen regularly – but that kind of upkeep and performance isn’t sustainable, so, over time, you both relax. You begin to wear sweatpants in each other’s company more often; perhaps the bathroom door gets left open. The desire for each other still lingers, but it moves into a lower gear. It becomes more manageable as other areas of life such as jobs, kids, family, and friends need attending to. And then, without notice, the desire that burned so bright at the beginning becomes more difficult to ignite. Perhaps it still flares up but less regularly, or it might dissipate completely. At this point, some couples will go their separate ways in search of that alluring high elsewhere, but what about the couples who are in it for the long haul? Who are still in love and want to stay together but also miss the burning desire that has fizzled out?
We can’t talk about desire without delving into the work of Esther Perel, the renowned psychotherapist who has spent years working with couples and looking into the origins and psychology of desire. In her now-famous TED talk, Perel describes the central conflict in any long-term relationship regarding desire. On the one hand, for a long-term relationship to work, there has to be security, trust, predictability and safety, especially when children are involved. These anchoring and grounding needs are essential to developing a lasting bond; however, this all stands in direct conflict with the things that incite desire: adventure, excitement, mystery, and surprise. Further in her talk, Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance between you and me, while desire is energised by it.” Anyone who has felt their desire for their partner bolstered by a few days apart knows this to be true.
Perel goes on to make the point that whereas, in the past, marriage was seen as an economic arrangement to secure social standing and ensure succession with a person’s various needs being met by a wider cast of people from the community, now, we ask our partners to be our co-parent, best friend, lover, financial partner – our everything. It’s a lot to require of one person. As Perel says, we’re demanding that our partners give us both “comfort” and “edge”.
Understanding this eternal conflict around desire in long-term relationships gives it a broader context. It helps us see that the waning desire we may be experiencing isn’t necessarily a deeper symptom of a failing relationship but more a reflection of our changing societal expectations around marriage and long-term partnerships. However, there are many other reasons why desire fades in relatively happy long-term relationships that are also worth exploring.
Sara has been with her husband for 10 years and married for five. She explains that when they first got together, their sex was always intense. After two years, they moved in together, and very slowly, things started to change; as Sara tells me, “When we lived together, we were in our mid-20s, so we were working and going out a lot, and the domestic side of life wasn’t an issue. After a while, I started to do more around the house, and he didn’t. It’s carried on like that until now we’re 10 years in, and it’s a battle to get him to do anything. He says it just doesn’t bother him.” Sara sees her fading desire for her husband in direct correlation to his lack of input into domestic chores. “It’s almost like I don’t want to please him in bed because he can’t be bothered to please me elsewhere.” It’s not that Sara doesn’t feel sexual desire or have the urge for pleasure, though. “I’m really conflicted about it. The desire for sex is still there, but just not as much with him because of this household issue.”
"relationship" - Google News
June 23, 2022 at 05:45PM
https://ift.tt/QqMhvZo
How To Maintain Desire In A Long-Term Relationship - British Vogue
"relationship" - Google News
https://ift.tt/rUiCpxS
https://ift.tt/t4T9fNS
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "How To Maintain Desire In A Long-Term Relationship - British Vogue"
Post a Comment