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Q. I am a woman who married her high school sweetheart and has been married for 33 years. During this marriage there have been ups and downs, but three beautiful children have come from it. As we face the empty nester phase, we are struggling because there are no more distractions, so all of the unresolved issues are coming to light.
My question is: What do you say to your husband when he still continues to bring up the past — as in before we ever dated? I had a sexual relationship before him but he was a virgin when we met, so that’s his problem. He asked me, back then, if I loved the other person I slept with and I said I didn’t, but only because of the insecurity I knew he felt. Now that we are older, he feels like I lied to him. He goes crazy over the simplest reference to any memory before we dated. How do we move past this?
FED UP WITH THE INQUISITION
A. Have you asked him why any of this matters so many years later? I wonder if he’d say it’s about the “lie” or the fact that you had the experience at all. Maybe it’s all of the above.
If it’s about the unknown — if he’s wondering what that first experience really meant to you — it could help to be more specific about the details. Not the sex, but just … whatever you remember about how your teen brain processed that short relationship and why you call your own husband — not the other guy — your high school sweetheart. I guess it’s possible that avoiding the story has made it more important than it should be.
It’s likely, though, that this has more to do with him not having his own private experiences. What does that mean to him now? What are the things he wants to do with and without you? What are you both comfortable doing on your own when you can?
Also, who else can you talk to about this? Both of you could benefit from counseling to help you learn how to let this go and enjoy each other — and your independence — after the kids leave. This is going to be a huge change, and you have to be ready to make new memories, as opposed to fixating on where you left off before children came into the picture.
Get unstuck. Tell him you want therapy together. If he’s unwilling to do the work to make things better, that says a lot about whether you can empty nest with him at all.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
His behavior is not normal or acceptable. Be firm; tell him he can’t speak that way to you. Do it every single time. If he persists, leave for a bit. You have to take control of this and if he doesn’t stop this behavior I think you should separate. Sorry, but people having relationships before they met their spouses is the norm, not the other way around. Your husband is the outlier and his jealousy is irrational, period.
LUPELOVE
For some reason, your husband feels the need to hurt you, make you feel guilty. I would simply say, “I can’t change the past so I’m not going to discuss it anymore. You are not going to use it as a weapon against me.” After so many years, you should not feel so intimidated by your husband’s ridiculous behavior. I suggest counseling for both of you and for yourself individually.
SEENITTOO
Do not engage with the conversation at all. Not his business.
BKLYNMOM
Are you kidding me?? I was married to a man exactly like that for 23 years. He’s my ex now and that’s why.
SAMSCOTT
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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