I love writing this weekly column. I like to think I’m adding value to your lives by inspiring deeper self-awareness, challenging your beliefs, offering different perspectives, and contributing to the quality of your relationships.
If you have specific questions you’d like answered in regards to your relationship with yourself or others, I invite you to send them to me at rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com. It would bring me great joy to engage with you on a more personal level and create content that is directly relevant to your life. Plus, it’s fun to see your question printed in the paper! I’d love to hear from you.
Let’s talk about sex.
A lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship is like the canary in the coal mine. There are myriad of factors that could contribute to an unfulfilling sex life, but when you’ve lost all desire for your partner, it’s wise to explore what’s behind your slumbering libido.
I’m not a sex therapist, what I share is purely from my own experience and/or that of my clients, but my hope in bringing up the topic is that it will inspire you to examine your own intimate relationships with new curiosity.
I know too many women who show up to the bedroom out of a sense of duty, and experience little, if any pleasure when engaging with their partner. Their desire has all but dried up. Again, there are plenty of reasons this could happen, but I can look back on my own failed marriage and pinpoint exactly when I went cold. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve taken my frigidity much more seriously. Hindsight.
For me, and many women, mind-blowing sex occurs when we feel emotionally safe.
There were some things early on in my marriage that damaged my trust. Being the young, confrontational averse bride that I was, I quickly overlooked the issues and convinced myself everything was fine. Only it wasn’t. I didn’t allow myself time to acknowledge and process my hurt, therefore I didn’t create space for true healing within my relationship.
My heart secretly closed its door and sent a subconscious message to my brain, “you’re not safe here, just smile and nod, everything is fine, but don’t you dare open up, it’s far too dangerous.”
I thought it was hormones. I thought it was because I had small children. I thought it was because he let himself go. I thought it was just what happened in marriage. I thought I just didn’t like sex. I felt guilty for my disinterest and quickly learned that a couple of glasses of wine go a long way in lubricating lack of desire. So we managed to ignore the issue for 12 more years.
It wasn’t until after that marriage when I discovered, to my delight, that I did indeed enjoy sex very much. I have since learned that when I feel safe with someone, sexual intimacy is profoundly pleasurable and something I have a healthy desire for.
My dormant desire toward my then husband was a symptom of a much deeper problem. It wasn’t just life, it wasn’t just a dry spell, I had been hurt and I did not trust him with my heart.
I didn’t know enough to recognize the issue, so the distance between us grew until eventually, the chasm was too far to cross.
The health of your sexual relationship can be a significant teller. Many things can contribute to the death of desire, but if it’s something you’re facing in your own relationship, I strongly encourage you to pull back the curtains of your own heart and see if there’s a deeper issue that needs attention. If you’ve built a wall to keep your heart safe, it’s difficult to let go in the bedroom. At least it was for me. Remember kids, practice emotionally safe sex.
Rebecca Stark Thornberry is a Mastery Certified Life Coach and the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com. If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.
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January 30, 2021 at 03:00PM
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The Relationship Coach: Sex and emotional safety - Longmont Times-Call
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